It's Not Only My Fault

I thought maybe that if I told myself that I am OK that I would be. It didn't work. I don't know who I thought I was kidding, I haven't been OK for a while now. I'm worse than I was before, as bad as I've ever been I think. I'm afraid to do anything with myself because I can't handle failing again. The whole reason I thought I would be able to go to college is because I thought I was going to have someone there to help me figure it out. Well that didn't work out and now I'm alone again. I just wanted a friend to be there with me, to help me when I needed it, but that was too much to ask. It really is bad now, and everyone seems to be able to ignore it just as well as they always have. My Mother keeps pushing me to go to school, it makes things easier for her if she can ignore the fact that I'm never going to be able to do anything with myself. I'm too depressed to do anything. I play video games and watch movies because it helps me forget for a short time how messed up I am. My parents want to believe that I'm just being lazy, but they know the truth, they just won't let themselves believe it. I already had abandonment issues because of my siblings leaving when I was so young. It's about a million times worse now. I don't want to blame it on you, because I know that it is in no small part my fault, but you can't say that you don't share the blame.

Wanting To Cry

I finally watched a movie that I've avoided for a while, Reign Over Me. I have avoided watching it because I thought it would make me too sad. It's the first movie that I've watched that has anything to do with 9/11. For some reason anything to do with that day just really affects me. It's strange because I didn't lose anyone close to me that day, for some reason it just gets to me. I think it's fairly normal. I thought for sure I would end up crying due to the movie, I didn't. The tears still won't come. I would like to cry, it's coming up on three months since I have. For some reason it just doesn't happen. It's not nice considering that I'm used to crying usually once a week or so. It's not because I'm not sad, I'm certainly as sad as always. There's definitely something wrong with not being able to cry. Of course there may also be something wrong with wanting to cry.

Forgetting You

So here I find myself again. 3AM and I can't sleep, I'm bored out of my mind even though I'm sure there are a million things I could be doing. Everything that has happened in the past month and a half seems like forever ago to me now. I wish it hadn't gone down the way that it did, but that's the past and I can't change that. I am OK without you, I didn't know if I would be, but I am. I wish that you hadn't given up on me, I know that I'm not perfect, but I didn't know that I was a lost cause. I want you to be happy, I guess if not having me in your life makes you happy then that is the way it has to be. It hurts me, deep inside, that you feel like you can't be my friend. It's amazing to me that there are so many things that remind me of you. I only knew you for a short time, yet everywhere I turn something brings you to my mind. What bothers me is that I have no tangible proof that I ever knew you, no pictures, nothing. All I have are my memories of the times we had together, and while I would like to think that I will never forget, I am afraid that some day I will.

Loss & Jewelry

I realized something today, I miss wearing jewelry. When I was a younger teenager I always wore a necklace and for a while a bracelet or two. I think the thing I miss most is wearing a ring. Strange that I would be thinking about this today, considering all of the other stuff going on in my head. I finally have closure, but I also have confirmation that my best friend no longer wants to know me. I will look back at the short time I knew her and remember the good times. She has helped me to realize that I can't just sit back and take what life throws at me, I have to make some decisions occasionally. Even if I am one of the most indecisive people ever. I can't help but be sad because I've lost something wonderful. I will miss her very much and she will always be in my thoughts.

Deja Vu

I haven't had Deja Vu for about a month now, which is strange for me because I usually have it almost daily. A friend of mine once told me that it happens when you are where you are supposed to be and doing what you are supposed to be doing. I like this theory, which scares me. This sudden lack of Deja Vu makes me feel as though I'm not on the right path. I'm not sure what I can do to figure this out, but I can't help but feel like it has something to do with the ugliness that occurred last month. Only a couple of people know what I'm talking about, even they don't know the details, but it leaves me feeling as though things just aren't right. I've thought about what I can do to make things better, but nothing I come up with seems right. I want so bad to make it all go away, but I just don't know how I can.

I Don't Know

There are so many things that I want to say, I just can't make the words come out. I go through it over and over in my head and I just can't think of the words for what I'm feeling. I quit my job, for many reasons, mostly because I couldn't be happy doing it. I'm going to apply to school and hopefully start in the summer semester so that I don't have too much time to sit around and think. My Mom talked me into going to a school closer to home so that I can still live here, at least for now. I think maybe after a couple of semesters I'll maybe want to move out. She doesn't understand the way I feel right now, she's in denial about it. I told her that I was depressed, it's obvious, and she continues to ignore it. She thinks that if she ignores it it will go away. She got all upset when I told her that I wasn't going to do the job anymore. Now pretty much every time I talk to her she tries to make me feel guilty, like I'm putting her out or something. Well I'm so sorry that my depression is so inconvenient for her. I realize that it's a selfish thing to say, but if I can't be happy then what is the point in anything for me.

The Bird In My Head

There's a bird that hangs out in the tree next to my window. Every morning around the same time it starts to squawk, it is quite possibly the most annoying bird ever. It's the the nice chirping type of bird, it's the evil squawking annoying sounding bird. Sometimes I can hear it chirping when I'm not even at home. So the healthy eating isn't going well, I'm too lazy to do the shopping that must be done, and there is already food here. I think if I lived away from home and was forced to feed myself it would be easier because I would be buying food anyway.

OK Or Depressed

It's hard to know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. I've had such weird emotions since as far back as I can remember. I don't know what the appropriate emotion is half the time. I generally think I have two basic emotions that I feel. I'm either OK, or I'm depressed. When I'm OK I just sort of coast along through life dealing with problems. When I'm depressed I pretty much shut down and can't handle anything. Unfortunately it would seem that I'm depressed more often than I'm OK these days. I had to come home from work today because I was freaking out and couldn't handle it, which is terrible because that means that my Mom has to do that much more work because I'm not there. I hate feeling this way, and I don't know how to make it stop. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm going to be OK I just can't seem to believe it. I haven't cried in over a month now, which is strange for me. I think because I know that if I start to cry I won't be able to stop. I lost my best friend to my stupid feelings, how am I supposed to feel? How am I expected to just get over it and move on? I'm left doubting myself more and more every day. If I can't even keep a friend how am I supposed to be happy? I'm such a whiny little kid, no wonder nobody likes me.

Filling The Void

I keep looking in the fridge, as though there's going to be something to fill the void inside me. I know for certain that what I need is not going to be found in any fridge. I had a bad day today, which was especially worse because I wasn't working so there was nothing to take my mind off of it. I pretty much just sat around all day feeling bad. Last night I watched August Rush, absolutely incredible. I can't remember the last time that I have enjoyed a PG movie so much. I'm on the last episode of Seinfeld for this rotation, now I need to figure out which series to watch next. It was X-Files before Seinfeld, and probably Buffy & Angel before that. I think I might be ready for That '70s Show again. I watch a few different TV series over and over again, I'm still adding new ones so that I don't watch the same 3 or 4 too often. I want to watch Everwood, but they've only released the first season on DVD which is very annoying since it ended almost 2 years ago now. Also I plan on adding Veronica Mars to the rotation, but I'm waiting for a collectors DVD set with more special features. If it doesn't come out soon I'm going to just have to buy the regular DVD sets.

Ricin

So there are FBI and Homeland Security agents outside my house right now. It's pretty crazy, they have the whole street closed off because they're searching the house a couple doors down from ours. Apparently some guy in Las Vegas was making Ricin in his hotel room and they somehow found it and traced him back to this house on my street. Pretty wild stuff. It's a good thing I don't have to go anywhere today, I wouldn't be able to get out if I wanted to. They told us to stay in the house as a precautionary measure.

News Article

Worries

I can honestly say that I am more than a little bit worried about going to school. I will have to move away from my parents house, I've never lived anywhere that wasn't with family. I won't know anyone, and considering my lack of social skills I probably will have a hard time making friends. Not to mention the actually school part, the last time I went to school I was 17 years old, and it didn't work out well. I think it would be easier if I had friends who were going to the same school as me. I've thought about going to SUU so that I could at least know a few people, but I don't want to get trapped in that world. I love Southern Utah, it will always be my home, but I just don't know if it's the right place for me right now. Eventually I would like to end up there, but I don't want to live my whole life there. Right now I'm mainly considering USU up in Logan, it's really the only school that I have looked at, but it seems to have a good Music program. I guess I should look into a couple of other schools. Of course this is all dependent on whether or not I can get the financial aid and get accepted to a school, which I am doubtful about. I hate not having anyone to help me with this stuff. This is why I didn't end up going to school when I was younger, I went to sign up for classes at DSC and was just overwhelmed and didn't know what I was supposed to do. I have to do something to move my life forward though, I can't live with my parents forever, and I definitely can't keep doing the job that I'm doing now.

Spaghetti And Movies

So I made my spaghetti. It turned out pretty good. I think next time I will get some sort of sauce that's more chunky to make up for the lack to meat in it. I don't want the meat, but there has to be something to fill it out a bit. The noodles were great, 100% Whole Grain, they smell awesome when you're cooking them. I just watched Hitman, it was alright. Better than most video game movies, and I liked the guy playing Agent 47, he did it well. All in all it was an enjoyable viewing experience. Last night I watched a movie called The Baxter. It was just some random movie I picked off of the OnDemand list, it turned out to be a great pick. I had never really seen Michelle Williams in anything because I never watched Dawson's Creek, she's actually a really good actress. I have to wake up early and drive for 2.5 hours to get to work, and then drive back after work, I'm definitely not looking forward to that.

Randomness

I think one of my favorite things to hear from someone is that they appreciate me. Just hearing someone say "I appreciate you." is really nice for some reason. I was thinking about something today that seemed very profound, now I can't recall what it was. Is it possible to trust someone too much? I know that it is if they are breaking that trust and you just keep trusting them. What I mean is is it possible to trust someone too much when they haven't done anything to lose your trust. I feel like it might be possible. I've found myself trusting particular people so much that I don't even question anything they say. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I'll think to myself "are they just playing games with my head?" Then I think, no way, they would never do that because they never even lie. I tried to make my Velveeta pasta stuff yesterday, it didn't work out so well. Apparently you have to mix the Velveeta with milk or something to make it work right. I guess I should have looked it up before I tried it, now I know. I'm thinking about making spaghetti today when I get home from the chiropractor, I'm not sure if I'll still feel like it when I get back though.

Ones And Fours

I've recently been noticing numbers more frequently. Mostly ones and fours. It seems like every hour without fail I look at the clock at 11 minutes past and 44 minutes past. I've started associating different people with different numbers, another habit I've picked up from a friend of mine. Matt is a four, Alanya is a 1, my dad is a 6, my mom is an 8. I'm not sure why I see numbers when I think of people, but it definitely happens.

Wristcutters

I'm quite excited about the movie I just watched. Wristcutters: A Love Story, it was very good. I think it helped that I didn't know anything about it going in, movies always seem better that way. I remember when Adaptation came out in the theaters and Matt and I went to see it. We actually just went to the theater to see what was playing and we saw that because we didn't know anything about it. It was pretty good. Anyway, I enjoyed this movie very much, the acting was great and the storyline was great. Very interesting stuff.

Fruit

I'm feeling better today. Hopefully it was just a one day thing. All I have eaten so far today is fruit. Banana, Raspberry, Orange, Grape. I was thinking I might make spaghetti today, maybe not.

Terrible

I feel terrible inside today. I feel like I want to hurt myself. My cousin got married today, good for him. I'm sure he'll be happy. In the words of Nick Drake
"I can't cope, all the defenses are gone. All the nerves are exposed."

Food Shopping

So I finally went shopping for some good food. Thanks to a friend's advice I made a good list and got everything that I went to get. It worked out pretty well. I'm trying to be more healthy in what I eat, and hopefully I'll start running soon. I want to be in better shape, mostly just so that I will feel better physically, I think it might help mentally as well. So I got some Organic Fat Free Milk, that's my favorite purchase so far, it tastes so good. I can't explain why, but for some reason it just tastes better than regular non-organic milk. I also got some Whole Grain pasta and sauces to make some spaghetti and such. Overall I think I did alright, I'm watching the stuff I eat more carefully now. I stopped drinking anything with High Fructose Corn Syrup in it. I was drinking PowerAde to get away from all the sugar stuff in soda, but I never even thought to look and see that it's just as bad. So I guess I'll have to find something else tasty to drink that doesn't have it. For now I'm just going with juice, it's good stuff.

The Village Inn

I don't know what else to say other than the fact that for some reason the Village Inn put me in a bad mood today. We went to eat dinner there and for some reason I got all depressed and upset when we walked in. Some sort of bad vibes or something just hit me when we walked in. I don't think I'll be eating there again, which will be hard considering that my grandparents want to go there every time we come down.

Maturity

I had a wonderful evening. I went out to Hurricane to Matt's house and just sat and had fun conversation with his parents and friends. It's the kind of thing I enjoy doing, a small gathering of people just enjoying each other's company. I think it was just the thing I needed. Through this I realized that I have actually matured since I was 18. I always say how I haven't changed, but when I really think about it there are a few things about me that have changed. Today was a pretty crappy day considering everything that happened, but I didn't let it get me down and I feel very good about myself because of that. I don't know if I've ever felt this way about myself before, it's a good feeling. If there's one thing I've learned in the past few months that is to enjoy the little things in life and try to not dwell on bad things. I really feel like something has been set in motion inside myself and that I am ready to move forward with my life instead of being afraid of it. For that I must thank my friend, she has made me realize many things about myself and has helped me to be a better person.

Spirits

So when I was driving down to Saint George today I was thinking about spirits and such. A memory popped into my head. When I was fairly young, maybe 10 or so, a relative of mine died. Aunt Bertha, I don't know if she was actually my aunt, I just know that's what I called her. I remember being in the room with her when she died. Just before it happened the window in the room burst open, her daughter said "It's dad, coming to get mom." I don't know why I remembered that, I guess because of my difficulties sleeping last night. I had a hard time falling asleep in the first place because I kept seeing things in my room. I was laying with my back to the door and I would hear the door open and someone walk in, but when I turned around the door was closed and nobody was there. Then I had a nightmare that scared me so bad that I couldn't fall back asleep. I do believe in spirits, I don't know why they are here, but I do believe that they are here. That being said, I think shows like Ghost Hunters are a bunch of bull.

Alone

So today has been one of those days where I feel like I couldn't be more alone if I was the last person on earth. I don't know why, it just happens sometimes. I can be with my family having a fine time, or I can be sitting in my room watching a movie. This feeling of being alone just overcomes me, it's the feeling that I'm most afraid of. My greatest fear in life is being alone, not in the sense of having physical alone time. I mean really being alone, with no one to care about me. I've felt this way for the majority of my life. I know my family loves me, but they just don't understand, and they don't want to understand. They like to pretend that there is nothing wrong with me, because if they acknowledged it that would make it real to them. So I'm left to deal with my stupid brain, alone.

I Did Something Stupid Today

When I was 18 I did what I consider to be one of the worst things someone can do. I attempted suicide. Now anyone who has talked to me much at all already knows this about me. I try not to bring it up because it generally makes people uncomfortable, but if asked about it I am always willing to tell the story. I have severe clinical depression, a well known fact about me among anyone who knows me. I've lived with it since about the 4th grade. Sometimes it's really bad, other times it's not so bad. When I was 18 it was really bad. I had dropped out of high school, I didn't have a job, I was in a severely stupid online relationship that I still try to forget. One day for no particular reason I was feeling really down and I finally decided that it was time to end all of my pain. I planned to take a whole bottle of my Dad's Oxycontin painkillers but his safe that he keeps his medication in was locked. So instead I took what I could find. I crushed up a whole bottle of my Mom's sleeping pills and drank them in a glass of water so that I wouldn't be able to throw the pills up. I wrote a letter to my parents telling them that I was sorry and that I loved them, and to give my computer to Matt. I woke up hours later very disappointed that I was alive. I was extremely hungry so I went upstairs to eat and I watched an episode of CSI with my Mom. I was in such a haze from the pills, I'm surprised my Mom didn't notice that something was wrong with me. After we finished watching the show I went back downstairs and realized what a stupid thing I had done. People who have never gone through this won't understand, they will say "well if you failed why didn't you just try again, nothing is better for you obviously." I can't explain what went on in my mind that day, but I realized that I didn't want to die. I took the empty bottle of pills upstairs and told my Mom what I had done. I said to her "I did something stupid today, I tried to kill myself." I don't remember the exact chain of events after that but I do remember being taken to the emergency room by my parents. I remember they wanted a urine sample and I couldn't pee. I remember talking to some sort of counselor. When they realized that I wasn't going to try again they decided it was OK for me to go home. Strange because I am now under the impression that anyone attempting suicide has a mandatory stay in a psychiatric facility, apparently not. I don't know why I felt the need to write this, I suppose just to get it out there in the open. I don't know if I've ever told anyone the full detailed story. I have no urge to ever try something like that again, it was most certainly the biggest mistake I have ever made and my biggest regret in life.

Is It Really So Simple?

Dogs bark, whispering to me. I wish I knew what they were saying. I wish I could hear their thoughts. It seems to be such a simple life, but is it really so simple? To sleep whenever you want to, to run as much as you want to and stop when you want to. To have your only worry be to get someone to scratch behind your ears or rub your belly. Who knows what thoughts dogs hide in their minds. Are they really as simple minded as we think they are?

Feelings Overwhelm

Feelings defy all logic I have found. It doesn't matter how much you want to change your feelings, you simply can't control them. My feelings overwhelm me regularly, I'm not sure if it's the same for everyone, but I often feel completely crippled by them. Sometimes this is a good thing, when I'm feeling love. Sometimes it's a bad thing, when I'm feeling sad. It doesn't matter how many times it happens, it's just as intense every time. It doesn't make a difference that I know what is happening when it happens. It doesn't matter that I know my feelings are most often illogical. For me, being overwhelmed by these feelings is the most purely simple state I can be in. My mind can be racing and yet the feelings remain the same.

Cheap Trick

I want you to want me, I need you to need me. Thanks Cheap Trick for explaining my feelings so accurately, I couldn't have said it better myself. All I want is for someone else to want me as much as I want them. I want someone to need me, nobody has ever needed me. I dream of epic love, the stuff of legend, perhaps this is why I am so disappointed by the real world.

Constant Fear

Sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. I keep searching for what I want and just when I think I've found it, something happens and I have to go back to the beginning. I wish I could break out of this circle and start going in a line instead. I'm trying so hard to change things for the better, but I am afraid. I'm afraid that everything that I'm hoping for is going to fall apart. This is what I live with, constant fear.

That Would Be Nice

I would like to learn how to play guitar and/or piano someday. I took piano lessons when I was younger, but I was just too impatient to actually practice so it never worked out. I would like to learn to play these instruments so that I could sing and play other people's songs. Instead of just singing along to the music on my iPod I could recreate the music, that would be nice.

Physical Vs. Emotional

So I think that love is misrepresented a large majority of the time. Most people equate love with some sort of physical relationship. While love more often than not leads to a physical relationship I do not believe that a physical relationship is needed when you love someone. For me I think I would rather have a deep emotional connection to someone for an extended period of time, rather than jump into something physical. I would like to be able to just love someone and have them love me back without needing anything physical. Only when it feels right for both people should anything physical happen. I suppose I should clarify. I think that generally being physically close is one thing. Kissing, and anything beyond that is completely different. I've realized recently that I really don't care about the physical aspect of a relationship, I suppose I've always felt this way, I've just come to understand it more recently.

Thank You

I've spent so much time worrying about being happy. So much time being unhappy with what I have, taking everything for granted. I've recently come to realize, due in no small part to the help of my friend, that I need to learn to be okay with things. Don't get me wrong, I will still always want more than I have until I get what I really want, but I need to be able to be satisfied with what I have.

Sometimes I'm A Dog

Sometimes I feel like a dog. Dogs can love unconditionally, I'm beginning to think that such a thing in other humans is impossible. To me love is some sort of absolutely overwhelming thing, to others it seems to be just another emotion. Love is so amazing and profound to me that I don't even categorize it as an emotion. All I want in life is to find someone who can feel the same way about me that I can feel about them, I don't know if it's ever going to happen. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who feels this way. I know that in order for me to find someone I have to first figure out my own problems. I just don't know if I can ever be happy enough to be attractive to anyone. The only way I know that I will be happy is if I have someone, and if I'm not happy with myself how can anyone be happy with me. It's a never ending cycle.

Someone To Love

So apparently my Mom is thinking about hiring someone to take my place in the business. I would take over all of the book keeping stuff and still help with the bigger stores. I guess that would be okay, but I would have to find something else to occupy my time. Maybe I could take a couple of classes at a college or something. I really don't know at this point what I want to do, I wish I did, but I just don't. I'd like to believe that eventually I will find my purpose in life, it's just hard to see that happening when I have no idea what I want. All I've ever seen in my ideal future is having a family, I've never thought about what I would have to do to make that happen. I just hope that some day I will be able to do what it takes for someone to love me.

Black Hole

It's amazing to me how much emotions effect the physical condition of my body. My heart is racing a hundred miles an hour non-stop for the last 12 hours at least. I have a pit in my stomach with the force of an all consuming black hole. I keep thinking that it will go away, but it just sticks around. I guess I should get out of the house for a few minutes, maybe that will help a little.

I Can Haz Friend?

I'm feeling lonely ever since I got back from Saint George. More so than usual, probably because I spent so much time around people while I was there. Now I'm back to the usual routine of not seeing anyone other than my family. This is not a nice adjustment, I want someone to hang out with all the time. No more alone time please.

Plans

Well, I can't seem to write enough today, it just keeps coming out of my fingers. I've been looking into what sort of job opportunities I might have further north. I don't really want to settle in here in the SL Valley because it's just too crowded and busy all the time. I'd rather be somewhere a little smaller but still big enough to have everything I need. I'm looking mostly at somewhere between Ogden and Logan, but really anywhere up there would be fine. It looks like there's a few computer stores in Logan, and Tagg says there's at least one in Brigham City. I shouldn't have trouble finding somewhere to live, I can just find a student who's looking for a roommate or something of that sort. Now I just need to figure out how long it's going to take for all of this to happen. I don't want to be stuck in my job too much longer, hopefully by the end of the summer I'll be ready to do this. I started putting money away in my savings today, I've decided at least $250 every month if not more. That should build up a nice little fund to take care of me while I figure things out. On a completely different note, I'm wearing a baby-blue sweater that my mom got me for X-mas. It feels strange, like it's not my sort of color. It is nice and warm and soft though so I think I will continue to wear it.

I Miss You

So I was looking through old pictures today and I saw pictures of my dog Cookie. I thought back and realized that it's been just over 3 years since he died. I miss him so much, he is the best friend I ever had. No matter what happened he was always there, I feel like I don't have that anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my dogs now, but it's just not the same as Cookie. I had him for 17 years, I can't even remember a time when he wasn't there. It's hard to find that kind of devotion in a human, I wish I had someone who would love me unconditionally like he did. Maybe someday I will find that person.

The Food, It Affects Me

So I just came back "home" and I was/am feeling a little overwhelmed by everything. Things were much simpler in Saint George when I didn't have to worry about anything. My Grandmother made some homemade Egg Noodle Chicken Soup, my favorite homemade thing, and it is definitely helping me feel better. Food has never affected me like this, it's interesting.

A New Year, A New Outlook

I think that I am going to try a different approach to life. Instead of worrying and dwelling so much I need to just take things one day at a time. I need to live more, I feel as though I've been hiding for so long from everything for fear of getting hurt. It's time to attempt something different. So my main goal is to never be depressed more than 1 day at a time. No more 1 week of depression, I think that maybe part of my problem is that I didn't have any reason to be happy and I didn't try hard enough. I've been thinking a little more about what I want to do in the short-long term. Obviously I don't want to keep the job I have for too long, since I've only had it for 6 months and it's already driving me insane. I would really like to work with computers in some way, I'm just not sure exactly how. I enjoyed working at a computer store fixing them, I think I might try that again only somewhere where the boss isn't an idiot. Maybe I'll move further north and try to get Tagg to do something with me in that area. It's time to start looking forward instead of always looking back.

Too Much Of A Good Thing

Too much of a good thing, is that possible? I'm starting to think so. I certainly think that I will be going through withdrawals when I have to go back to my normal life. I don't even know how I'm going to survive, everything feels so surreal right now I think it may be a complete shock to go back to normal. I really don't want to go back to normal.

Dreaming My Way Through Life

I'm having the most amazing time in Saint George and it makes me dread going back to real life. I feel like everything that has happened in the past few days has been a dream. I can't even comprehend what life is going to be like when I have to go back to it. I assume it will just be the same old boring stuff, but maybe not, hopefully not.

Gift Giving

I think in general that giving gifts is nice. I get a good feeling when someone really enjoys something that I gave them. Especially today because I gave my nephew a computer that I made for him, which is even better because I made it. It's nice to see him so excited about something. I also gave my mom a gift that she really wanted so that was good too.

I'm excited to be going to Saint George for a week or so tomorrow. Not so excited about having to work while I'm there, but at least I will be able to see at least one friend while I'm there. I actually feel okay today, but I feel sort of bad about not being able to talk to someone because I was busy. I'm sure we'll talk later though, probably just me feeling stupid about something that I shouldn't.

Virginity

I am honestly beginning to believe that I am going to live out my entire life as a virgin. I really can't see myself in any situation where I will have the opportunity to have sex. Hell, I can't even see an opportunity arising that I will even be able to be more than friends with a girl. Simply because of the fact that I want it so badly that it's just never going to happen. It's been about 5 and a half years since a girl actually reciprocated any feelings that I had for them, and even longer than that since the last time I kissed a girl. So long that quite a few of the people I know didn't even know me then. It's certainly a sad state of affairs, and I don't understand how to fix it. I will leave nothing behind in this world when I die, which I suppose is okay, I wouldn't have to worry about leaving anything important behind. Also, I'll never have to worry about losing anyone I love so I suppose that's also a good thing. I really can't comprehend how someone can be so in love and lose that person and ever be able to move on. I would be an even sorrier mess than I am now.

Dying Inside

For some reason I always find myself awake when I shouldn't be. Now for instance, I have to wake up at about 7AM, yet I can't force myself to go to sleep. I don't know why I do it to myself, some sort of self hatred or something maybe. It's been this way since I can remember. I've always done most of my thinking when everyone else is asleep. It's strange that I'm always wishing someone would understand the way I am feeling and just comfort me, yet I won't let anyone know how I'm feeling. I always feel this need to hide myself away. I feel like I would be in my family's way if they knew how I felt nearly all of the time. So I go through life faking that I'm okay, when really I'm dying inside more every moment.

Looking Back

Looking back on my life I don't know what I'll be able to say I've done. I would hope that I will be able to say that I have made a difference, but I don't know if that will happen. I used to think that I would be important in some way to the world, but the further I get the more I realize that that isn't going to be who I am. I am just going to be another person who lived and died on this one planet in this one solar system in this one galaxy in this universe of infinite size. It's depressing. I don't know if I'll even be able to say that I loved and was loved in return. The only think I know I love is the idea of love. I've begun to realize that my idea of love is completely fictional, no one can love me for who I am. Love to me is unconditional, but for most love is a word used to describe a feeling that most often comes and goes. So is my definition of love wrong, or is the world's definition of love wrong?

Something Inside

So here I find myself again, up in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping. My brain won't let me sleep. I wish I could sleep forever and never have to leave my dreams, everything is so much easier in dreams because I know that it's not real. There's something broken inside of me and I don't think I will ever be able to fix it. No matter how well things go for me I just can't be happy. It's illogical and it drives me insane. It's not like I have a terrible life or something, but this thing inside me just makes me feel horrible all the time. It doesn't make any sense and I don't know what to do about or how much longer I can go on this way.

Haunting Memories

I've been doing a lot of searching lately, I search my mind for the answers to the questions that bother me. Somehow I never seem to find the answers I'm looking for. I suppose that's the mystery to life though, If I knew all the answers then there wouldn't be any questions to ask. In my searching I dredge up memories of far away places and people, from better times. Those who know me know well enough that I'm not very good at making contact with people. I'm not exactly sure what keeps me from just picking up the phone and calling. I guess it was easier back in High School when we all had something in common, but now everything is so different for everyone. Ever since Jenna was killed I have felt terrible about not contacting the people that should matter to me most. I want to talk to old friends but whatever it is that keeps me from doing so still applies no matter how much I want to reach out. Certain memories come into focus more often than others, as if they have a mind of their own and want to haunt me.

The Loss Of A Friend

I just found out that an old friend of mine who I haven't been in contact with was murdered. She was 8 months pregnant with her third child and was brutally murdered for an unknown reason. The probable cause right now is for the handful of quarters she had with her as she was changing out newspapers from a vending machine and taking out the quarters. As I mentioned I haven't been in contact with her, we were friends in High School and when I dropped out we just lost contact. I remember one day after having not talked with her in at least 6 months she called me up to invite me to her wedding reception. Now there's something you must understand about this girl. She was always insisting that she never wanted to have sex or kids, obviously she was lying to herself because she was very excited when she found out that she was pregnant and her boyfriend asked her to marry her. I never would have admitted it back then to anyone, but I was very mad at her for all of this. For not telling me what was going on until it was too late, for not inviting me to her actual wedding. For getting pregnant and married. Like I said, I never would have admitted it back then but now it seems so petty. I can only imagine what my life would have been like had I kept in contact with her. If I could have put aside my petty feelings and actually tried to get in touch with her, and now I'll never have that chance. I don't believe in anything in particular about what happens to us after we die, and I don't really care to know. But I would like to believe that you are in a better place Jenna. I love you and will never forget you, you were one of the best things in my life, however short a time you were in it. You were the brightest star I have ever known and you deserved better than this. I can only hope that you were able to enjoy the love of your husband and two children and I know that their lives will be so much harder without you to take care of them. I'm so sorry for not being a good friend to you even when you were trying harder than me. I will never forgive myself for the mistake of not being your friend because of my stupid jealousy about your happiness. Goodbye my dear friend.

Dark Room

I feel like I am locked inside a dark room and I can't find the door to get out. Even if I could find the door I wouldn't be able to leave because it is locked. The scary thing is that I don't think I'll ever make it out of my dark room. My family ignores it, they know, but they never talk about it because it makes them uncomfortable knowing. I'll never make it our because I won't try, I can't try anymore. So I'll live out the rest of my existence in this room, never seeing anything but the blackness.

The One That Got Away

You are the one that got away. Back in 9th grade I had a thing for you, and little did I know that you had a thing for me too. Your best friend at the time told me to take my time with you and to be careful, I was too careful. So careful that I never made my move. I ended up with someone else, and you made your move, but I was too caught up to realize what I was passing up. A couple of years later we were talking and I told you about how I had liked you and you revealed your feelings for me. You said that it was something that we shouldn't think about too much and that it was all in the past, little did you know that I still had those feelings for you. I wanted to tell you, so badly, but I still couldn't work up the courage to make my move. Time passed, my feelings never truly fading. You moved away and I had almost given up hope that I would ever get another chance. Then one day you called me, you said that you missed me, and that you wished that you could see me again. Eventually you came back to visit family and you called me in the middle of the night asking if you could come see me. I waited outside for you. That night in my driveway, the way you embraced me for so long, I had never felt that way before. We talked for awhile but eventually you had to leave. That was the last time we were alone together. You went back to your new home, more time passed. One day I received a message from you, you said you missed me and that I should come visit you. I came to where you were to see you and another friend. We talked for a bit but I still never told you how I felt. Eventually you moved back, and I finally took a chance. We talked and I told you all about how I felt and that I had been keeping those feelings for so long. I'm not sure what happened but you didn't respond to my attempt. Broken apart about what had happened I gave up trying to contact you, I couldn't bear to face you after baring my soul to you. A few months later I found out that you were with someone, I stopped looking at your pictures because it hurt too much to see you with someone else. Then, a few days ago I found out that you are engaged to be married. I sent you a message wishing you happiness, and you replied thanking me and asking how I was. So I told the truth, I said I am miserable but that I am glad that you are happy. I get the feeling that is the last contact we will have, at least for a long time. I really do wish you the best, and I am glad that you have found someone that can make you happy, happier than I ever could have. I feel like I'm split down the middle, part of me is glad that I won't have to wonder, what if I had made a move back in 9th grade. The other part of me will always wonder, what if?

Fond Memories

Sometimes I wonder if she ever looks back and remembers things the way I do. To her everything that happened between us was just a big mistake apparently. I just wonder if she ever just once looked back at the time we shared and didn't regret it for a second. It took me a long time to realize that what we had never would have worked, but I still would never regret it. What happened between us shaped both of our lives into what they are now. While I do regret what I have become I am happy to know that her life is at least somewhat like what she always hoped it would be. We had planned our whole lives, which was silly considering we were so young at the time. I don't have much that I can look back on and be happy about or be proud of, my life has been a series of failures and mis-fires. I will always have that short time to look back on. So I sit here in the middle of the night in this strange place, everyone else calls it home, I don't know what to call it. I'm forced to be here because there was nothing left for me where I was before. So every day I have to put on a face that is not my own, I have to pretend that there is a reason for being, when for me there is none.