Saturday, December 31, 2005

Another Year

Happy New Year Assholes. I hope you all have a better year than I know I will.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Random Thoughts

I thought of death today. I shop at Wal-Mart even though I believe they are evil. I wish I could love, though I don't know what I would do if I could. I looked at the ceiling today, as well as the walls. There is something I can't read written on the windshield of my truck in black marker. I forgot to buy things that I should have. I bought things I didn't need. I once ate a tube of cherry chap-stic, it made me feel sick. I said I would call someone weeks ago but haven't called yet. I want to call today but probably won't.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Time Spent

As the holidays draw near I can't help but reflect on time spent and wasted. I feel as though I wasted my teenage years away. This coming January I will turn 20 and my teenage years will be behind me. As that day draws nearer all I wish is that I could relive those days. So many things I should have done but didn't. So many things I wanted to do but couldn't. This will be my 5th consecutive holiday season spent alone. I don't forsee any season spent with someone to love any time in my near future. At the end of every year I still feel the same as the previous year. Lost, alone, depressed. For me the holidays are not a time of happiness and joy. For me the holidays are a time to lock myself away and be alone yet another year. For those of you who have someone special to share the season with, do something nice for that person. Don't bother with the grand gestures that you see on television and in the movies. What really matters is that you're together, the simple things in life are the most wonderful.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


So here's the situation. I've been working at my current job for about 2 months now. I work 2 nights driving to Cedar City, 1 night driving to Dixie Downs, and 2 nights managing the dock. The full time dock manager has decided to quit, so I ask my boss for the job because I don't want to drive anymore. There is no good reason to not give me the job, but of course he won't give it to me because he "needs" me where I am right now. Bullshit, he won't give it to me because it's harder to find drivers than dock managers. I deserve that job, I work my ass off for him 5 days a week. I put up with all varieties of bullshit from the people I work with. Unfortunately my company doesn't care about their employees, in fact they treat their employees like shit. The only thing that matters to them is the newspaper, the sad part is they do about the worst job of putting out a newspaper that I have ever seen. So to sum up everything I just said into a few words. My boss is an Asshole.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Work Work Work

Not much has been happening, hence the lack of posts. I just finished my 2 1/2 weeks of non-stop work yesterday. Then I slept for 24 hours to make up for all of the lost sleep. So yeah, I've just been working and sleeping mostly. I'm always bored out of my mind because of my lack of World Of Warcraft, which I don't even want to talk about because it upsets me so much. I've had a couple of letters published on RPGamer, Here and Here. Just scroll down to the "Readers Speak" section, the second letter explains my WoW situation. Oh and I've been listening to podcasts a lot lately, mostly Keith & The Girl. So yes, nothing has really changed. Still bored, still alone.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Lack Of Updates

So those of you that actually read this piece of crap might have noticed that I haven't been updating, at all. I sort of lost my excitement about blogging when I realized that nothing I write matters. I was doing it for myself in the first place, but nothing has been happening so there is nothing to write about. I live my life inside video games and movies and books, trying desperately to avoid any real life experience.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

You Don't Know Me

I love when people that I know start acting completely different than they used to. I guess that's why I don't have a lot of friends. I don't change, I watch everyone around me grow and gain knowledge. I however am seemingly frozen in time, never to grow up, never to become responsible. Someday I will do something different, and the world will cease to exist because I actually changed. I am hardly narcissistic, I think of others more than myself the majority of the time. I am defintely not conceited, I do not love myself excessivly. I wish someone would see me. People look and they see right through me. I listen, I hear their calls for attention. I watch them hopelessly drawing the spotlight. There are those who would say that it is my own fault that I am the way I am. This is not necessarily true, I am the product of my environment. I am what you make me. Constantly effected by your thoughts of me. Yes somehow I never seem to change.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Shows Shows Shows

I've been going to lots of shows lately and have seen some great bands, I've also seen some not so great bands. I just got back from a show, left early because some people who shall remain nameless were being assholes. I just love when people make fun of me for liking a certain band. I've got news for you, just because you don't like a band doesn't mean that they aren't good. I don't like U2 but they are a great band and I have respect for them. The sad part is that it this was comming from people that I considered friends. Anyway, I will try not to dwell on it but it's not likely. Oh and I'm going to see Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith again tomorrow. The new theater over in Hurricane has an awesome new sound system that only 4 or 5 other theaters in the country have so I figured I would go check it out. So yeah, that's it, nobody cares and nobody reads this but I still write.

Saturday, April 16, 2005


I finally took the GED on Tuesday and passed it. I got a 3060 as the title of this post implies. I got well above passing on all sections and 3 were even in the top 90th percentile. So now I have to go in and get all signed up for classes, I sort of have mixed feelings about it. I'm excited about finally doing something but at the same time I'm frightened of being around that many people.

I went to another show with Matt, AJ, and Colton tonight. It wasn't the greatest show but whatever, better than sitting at home doing nothing.

In case you didn't notice I've sort of lost my passion for blogging seeing as there's nothing exciting going on right now. Maybe once I start school I'll start blogging again more often.

I decided that I need to learn how to play guitar, maybe if I learn that and am actually able to write music then some lyrics will come out.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Battle Of The Bands

well, tonight is the battle of the bands at the Electric Theatre. should be fairly amusing and seeing as my mother was able to score matthew and i free tickets there's nothing to be lost. i'll take my camera so that i can take pictures and post them later on.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Show, 03-26-2005

okay, so i went to a show tonight for the first time in about a year, and surprisingly it wasn't a complete waste of my time. here's a quick recap of the bands that played and what i thought of them personally.

Abby Normal: interesting, sort of blink-182ish but not really, i liked them enough to listen to all of their songs.

Broke: annoyingly loud, stupid looking pierced nose vocalist. insane bass player who almost smacked said vocalist in the back of the head with his bass.

Slender Means: by far the best of the four bands, a very interesting mix of styles, 2 guitarists, a bassist, a keyboardist, and a drummer. very good vocals by both guitarists, very harmonic.

Side Dish: Ska-core band, i can't give a fair review seeing as i left after the second song, which was a cover of "Don't Turn Away" (not sure what band did it originally)

all in all it was a fairly okay show, 2 out of the 4 bands impressed me, which is pretty damn good seeing as i'm so very critical of local bands. the annoying thing is that whenever the bands would tell us to buy their stuff they would say "merch" instead of just saying "merchandise" or "buy our shit" it was really stupid.

okay, other than the show i've just been working on my GED, i should have it in time to start school this upcomming semester. i've also been playing WoW like there's no tomorrow. anyhow, rock on and all that good stuff.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Strange Dreams

well in keeping with the trend of strange dreams I've been having lately I had a couple more last night. it's about the 5th time in the last few weeks that I've dreamed about my hair being it a sign from beyond that my hair is meant to be long? my other dream was beyond strange, it was about this girl that I used to know. the really strange part about it is that I don't think I've even thought about this girl, letalone seen her in the past 3 years or so. in fact, I remember the last time I talked to her. if I remember correctly it was about a week after halloween a few years ago. my good friend matt and i were at the grocery store up the street from my old house buying snackage for an all night game session...or something of that sort. this girl insisted that she had seen me being arrested at a party the week before, she also insisted that I did drugs and would not hear otherwise despite the fact that I've never done a drug in my life unless it was prescribed to me by a doctor. anyhow this dream I had was very odd, I can't remember exactly what it was about but I remember seeing my old elementary school in it. anyway, that's it for now, I'm off to try and escape the real world and my very real depression.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

World Of Warcraft

well, i've been busy playing World Of Warcraft for the past week or so, hence the lack of updates. nothing really exciting happening anyway, looking for a job, working on my GED. I'll probably start college in the fall. anyhow that's just about it, just thought i would let everyone know that i'm still alive.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Strange Happenings

ok, some strange things have been going on, at least strange for me. last night i had a dream about being out of peanut butter, very traumatic. today when my mother got home from work she gave me the email address of a girl that she works with who is my age. my mother has never tried to set me up before and it's very odd. we shall see if the strange happenings continue from here or if they cease, i'm not sure which would be better.

Saturday, February 19, 2005


i have tendonitis in my wrist and it hurst to type so i'll make this short. hitch is a very funny movie and lives up to the expectations i had based on the previews. will smith and kevin james are hilariously funny, and eva mendez is terrific. it's a shame she doesn't get more roles like this but instead gets shafted with roles like she had in Stuck On You and 2 Fast 2 Furious. in short, this is the perfect date movie. go see it, even if you don't have a date go see it alone.

Sunday, February 13, 2005


it seems ironic to me that someone who loves music as much as i do can be so completely devoid of any sort of artistic creativity. i've wanted to write my own music for years now, or at least my own lyrics, yet i cannot. why was i cursed with this lack of creativity? i guess i'll never know the real answer.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Lonely Days

well, i'm feeling lonely today, i'm sure it will pass though. even if i did meet someone i wouldn't have a lot of free time to spend with them. i'm sure i would be able to make time but i'm not too worried about it. just feeling lonely. work is the same, every night i go to the same place and do the same thing, it's not that it's a bad job, just getting a bit repetative.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Rain Rain Rain

annoying rain this morning, and it's going to be cloudy all week so i have to bag my papers every day. i usually get home at 5:00 and this morning i didn't get home until 6:00, i'm really starting to hate the rain.

Sunday, February 06, 2005


i hate the new england patriots, enough said.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005


well, i've been doing the hurricane route for about 5 days now, the last two of which have been on my own. i'm getting into a routine, things are working out pretty well. i got home at 5:00AM this morning, which is a full hour earlier than yesterday. the only thing i'm worried about is that i don't have time for much else besides sleep and work. i have tv shows that i watch with my mom almost every night, saturday and sunday are the only days that i don't watch anything. i'm asleep most of the day because i have to work at night. i just don't know how this is going to work out, i obviously can't go to school. my mom said she doesn't want me to worry about school right now though because she thinks that this is a good opportunity for me. so i guess i'll just get my GED so that i can start school whenever i'm ready. i'm starting to get pretty lonely though, it's been about a year since robin and i met, i'm really not hung up on her though, i don't really think about her that often. i'm still more hung up on ashley than i ever will be about robin, and i'm really not that hung up on ashley. it's just being alone that makes me lonely.....hmmm, that makes sense. yeah, like i've told people countless times, my greatest fear is being alone. right now i'm living that fear, and i've gotta say, facing it isn't helping at all.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Chaos, Utter Chaos

well i had one hell of a morning, i arrived at work at 1:30 AM to do my paperwork before loading up my truck. I get the paperwork done by 2:00 like i always do. I get the truck around to the dock and there are still 3 vans loading up. i go in and ask donna what is going on and she says that we're running more than an hour late. i didn't get on the road until about 3:30 when normally i'm out of there by 2:15. I make my first three drops without incident, when i get to lins to make the big drop there are already carriers waiting there for their papers. so of course i had to give the people that were already there their papers first, which really screwed up my order. during the course of the unloading one of the carriers got 1 extra bundle and i ended up having to drive all the way back to the plant to get a bundle +5 and then all the way back out to santa clara to make my last 4 drops. needless to say it was a very hectic morning for me. i got back home at about 6:15 and went to sleep after a little surfing of the net. at 9:00 roger calls me and asks me if i can come out to the plant to have a little meeting with him about something. so i get up and get dressed and head out there. about 5 minutes after i got there the fire alarm started going off, it turns out that a water line broke in the press room and it was flooding. so roger is running around trying to find the place to turn off the water and trying to get someone to come turn off the fire alarm. finally after about 45 minutes of sitting around on my part roger comes back and tells me what the deal is. his boss called him this morning and told him that he is over budget for employees and that he can't keep me on as a regular employee. he then tells me that he want's me to sign a contract so that he can keep me on because i'm doing such a good job. so now i will be doing the hurricane route 7 days a week and be getting a flat rate every two weeks, and i drive my own vehicle now instead of a company vehicle. now that all of the chaos has finally subsided i am ready to go back to sleep. goodnight, or morning as it were.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

First Day

well, i survived my first day on the new job. i think this job will work out really well. it'll take me a week to get a sleeping schedule set up, i've been on a "normal" schedule for the past couple of weeks and now i have to go back to my usual. in other news, my ps2 finally bit the dust after a good 3 years of having to open it up and fix the laser every month or so. i guess i know what i'll be spending my first paycheck on, i'll just get one of those fancy new slimline model ps2s. i think i'll look on ebay for a pre-modded one so that i can play my "backup" games. anyhow, rock on and all that good stuff, i'll update if anything good happens.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

The Urge

i don't think i've ever wanted to be elsewhere more than i do right now. not for any particular reason, i just feel like i need to be somewhere else. i really feel the need to be camping, around a campfire. i feel like a different person when i'm sitting near a fire, either with others or all alone. or perhaps the fire brings out my true self, maybe i am only me when i am at a fire and right now i am a different person.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

New Job

well lets see, what's been going on in AlanRay's world lately. marie and i played tennis on monday, that was cool, very difficult to learn but fun i also had a job interview with the spectrum. yesterday i sat around on my bum all day doing nothing, and i got a call about the job with the spectrum. today i went to IHC Workmed to do a drug screening for my new job, then i went to the DLD to get a copy of my driving record (oooh fun). later, actually in about 15 minutes i'm going over to marie's house to hang out. nothing overly exciting, the job thing is good, i'll be a part time delivery driver for the spectrum. 6 days a week 4 hours a day, decent pay. should work out well.

Saturday, January 15, 2005


well, my family and i went around town today to survey the damage of the floods. i took some amazing pictures of it all which can be found here
thanks go to the dictator moonty for hosting my pics on his wonderful website, also visit his blog

Thursday, January 13, 2005

New Hair (Or Lack Thereof)

on an impulse this morning i shaved the majority of my hair off, down to 3/8". i mostly did it because i knew i'd have to get a haircut in order to find a job. i just figured that i might as well save myself a few bucks and do it myself. i'll have pics soon so that you can all see me in all my short haired glory. i miss my hair, but i'll let it grow back when i have a solid job and don't have to worry about job interviews.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Happy To Report

i am happy to report that i am indeed still alive, luckily (for me) the flooding is happpening away from my home. not so happy to report that so far 27 houses have been literally taken out by the flood and at least 1 person is dead. i'm sure there are many many more houses that are flooded, the ones that i mentioned are actually gone. the santa clara river claimed most of them as far as i know, it basically carved it's own path and the banks got wider by the minute (the news said 1 foot per minute at it's peak). the small community of gunlock was completely seperated from civilization, as some of you may know, gunlock has bridges on both ends of town which are the only way in and out (besides a dirt road which was also washed out i am told). both bridges were supposedly destroyed in the flood and the national guard has been evacuating people from the town by way of a black hawk helicopter. needless to say it has been a crazy couple of days here in southern utah, but hopefully the worst is over.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

The British Accent

i just realized this morning while i was laying in bed that i find british accents extremely attractive. strangely enough i don't think i've ever met anyone in real life that has a british accent. for some reason i really want to meet a girl with a british accent. i think it would make things so very different for me. this really shouldn't be so big to me but it's like some sort of revelation. i shall stop at nothing until i meet a cute sexy girl with a british accent. and that is my fiendish plan.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Another Year Past

well, another year in the history books, many things happened this year, i don't feel like naming many, so i will name some that have happened in the last month or so. earlier today the ASU Sun Devils beat the Purdue Boilermakers in one of those college bowl games. The 49ers were shut out this year for the first time in a long time (something like 30 years). the 49ers will also have the number one draft pick this year because they suck so badly. Reggie White died. Angel was cancelled. the first three seasons of Seinfeld, AKA the greatest show ever, came out on DVD. The final season of Buffy came out on DVD. i'm sure many other more important things happened this year that I can't think of at the moment. So yeah, happy new year everyone, and to Dustin. I hope you fulfil your new years resolution.