Thursday, April 24, 2008
Every day feels like dying. I can't get away from this pain. Is a lie still a lie if you believe what you're saying is true? I lied to you, when I said I didn't. But I didn't know I was lying. The fact of the matter is, I do. It hurts me more than even I can believe, you have no idea. I know that you don't even think about me, you have no reason to. I'm sure you are feeling better now that I'm gone. I feel like I might as well be dead. Without you, nothing seems to matter anymore. I'm just going through the motions, I don't think anyone can tell.
Friday, April 18, 2008
I thought maybe that if I told myself that I am OK that I would be. It didn't work. I don't know who I thought I was kidding, I haven't been OK for a while now. I'm worse than I was before, as bad as I've ever been I think. I'm afraid to do anything with myself because I can't handle failing again. The whole reason I thought I would be able to go to college is because I thought I was going to have someone there to help me figure it out. Well that didn't work out and now I'm alone again. I just wanted a friend to be there with me, to help me when I needed it, but that was too much to ask. It really is bad now, and everyone seems to be able to ignore it just as well as they always have. My Mother keeps pushing me to go to school, it makes things easier for her if she can ignore the fact that I'm never going to be able to do anything with myself. I'm too depressed to do anything. I play video games and watch movies because it helps me forget for a short time how messed up I am. My parents want to believe that I'm just being lazy, but they know the truth, they just won't let themselves believe it. I already had abandonment issues because of my siblings leaving when I was so young. It's about a million times worse now. I don't want to blame it on you, because I know that it is in no small part my fault, but you can't say that you don't share the blame.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I finally watched a movie that I've avoided for a while, Reign Over Me. I have avoided watching it because I thought it would make me too sad. It's the first movie that I've watched that has anything to do with 9/11. For some reason anything to do with that day just really affects me. It's strange because I didn't lose anyone close to me that day, for some reason it just gets to me. I think it's fairly normal. I thought for sure I would end up crying due to the movie, I didn't. The tears still won't come. I would like to cry, it's coming up on three months since I have. For some reason it just doesn't happen. It's not nice considering that I'm used to crying usually once a week or so. It's not because I'm not sad, I'm certainly as sad as always. There's definitely something wrong with not being able to cry. Of course there may also be something wrong with wanting to cry.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
So here I find myself again. 3AM and I can't sleep, I'm bored out of my mind even though I'm sure there are a million things I could be doing. Everything that has happened in the past month and a half seems like forever ago to me now. I wish it hadn't gone down the way that it did, but that's the past and I can't change that. I am OK without you, I didn't know if I would be, but I am. I wish that you hadn't given up on me, I know that I'm not perfect, but I didn't know that I was a lost cause. I want you to be happy, I guess if not having me in your life makes you happy then that is the way it has to be. It hurts me, deep inside, that you feel like you can't be my friend. It's amazing to me that there are so many things that remind me of you. I only knew you for a short time, yet everywhere I turn something brings you to my mind. What bothers me is that I have no tangible proof that I ever knew you, no pictures, nothing. All I have are my memories of the times we had together, and while I would like to think that I will never forget, I am afraid that some day I will.