Thursday, March 27, 2008

Loss & Jewelry

I realized something today, I miss wearing jewelry. When I was a younger teenager I always wore a necklace and for a while a bracelet or two. I think the thing I miss most is wearing a ring. Strange that I would be thinking about this today, considering all of the other stuff going on in my head. I finally have closure, but I also have confirmation that my best friend no longer wants to know me. I will look back at the short time I knew her and remember the good times. She has helped me to realize that I can't just sit back and take what life throws at me, I have to make some decisions occasionally. Even if I am one of the most indecisive people ever. I can't help but be sad because I've lost something wonderful. I will miss her very much and she will always be in my thoughts.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Deja Vu

I haven't had Deja Vu for about a month now, which is strange for me because I usually have it almost daily. A friend of mine once told me that it happens when you are where you are supposed to be and doing what you are supposed to be doing. I like this theory, which scares me. This sudden lack of Deja Vu makes me feel as though I'm not on the right path. I'm not sure what I can do to figure this out, but I can't help but feel like it has something to do with the ugliness that occurred last month. Only a couple of people know what I'm talking about, even they don't know the details, but it leaves me feeling as though things just aren't right. I've thought about what I can do to make things better, but nothing I come up with seems right. I want so bad to make it all go away, but I just don't know how I can.

Friday, March 14, 2008

I Don't Know

There are so many things that I want to say, I just can't make the words come out. I go through it over and over in my head and I just can't think of the words for what I'm feeling. I quit my job, for many reasons, mostly because I couldn't be happy doing it. I'm going to apply to school and hopefully start in the summer semester so that I don't have too much time to sit around and think. My Mom talked me into going to a school closer to home so that I can still live here, at least for now. I think maybe after a couple of semesters I'll maybe want to move out. She doesn't understand the way I feel right now, she's in denial about it. I told her that I was depressed, it's obvious, and she continues to ignore it. She thinks that if she ignores it it will go away. She got all upset when I told her that I wasn't going to do the job anymore. Now pretty much every time I talk to her she tries to make me feel guilty, like I'm putting her out or something. Well I'm so sorry that my depression is so inconvenient for her. I realize that it's a selfish thing to say, but if I can't be happy then what is the point in anything for me.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Bird In My Head

There's a bird that hangs out in the tree next to my window. Every morning around the same time it starts to squawk, it is quite possibly the most annoying bird ever. It's the the nice chirping type of bird, it's the evil squawking annoying sounding bird. Sometimes I can hear it chirping when I'm not even at home. So the healthy eating isn't going well, I'm too lazy to do the shopping that must be done, and there is already food here. I think if I lived away from home and was forced to feed myself it would be easier because I would be buying food anyway.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

OK Or Depressed

It's hard to know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. I've had such weird emotions since as far back as I can remember. I don't know what the appropriate emotion is half the time. I generally think I have two basic emotions that I feel. I'm either OK, or I'm depressed. When I'm OK I just sort of coast along through life dealing with problems. When I'm depressed I pretty much shut down and can't handle anything. Unfortunately it would seem that I'm depressed more often than I'm OK these days. I had to come home from work today because I was freaking out and couldn't handle it, which is terrible because that means that my Mom has to do that much more work because I'm not there. I hate feeling this way, and I don't know how to make it stop. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm going to be OK I just can't seem to believe it. I haven't cried in over a month now, which is strange for me. I think because I know that if I start to cry I won't be able to stop. I lost my best friend to my stupid feelings, how am I supposed to feel? How am I expected to just get over it and move on? I'm left doubting myself more and more every day. If I can't even keep a friend how am I supposed to be happy? I'm such a whiny little kid, no wonder nobody likes me.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Filling The Void

I keep looking in the fridge, as though there's going to be something to fill the void inside me. I know for certain that what I need is not going to be found in any fridge. I had a bad day today, which was especially worse because I wasn't working so there was nothing to take my mind off of it. I pretty much just sat around all day feeling bad. Last night I watched August Rush, absolutely incredible. I can't remember the last time that I have enjoyed a PG movie so much. I'm on the last episode of Seinfeld for this rotation, now I need to figure out which series to watch next. It was X-Files before Seinfeld, and probably Buffy & Angel before that. I think I might be ready for That '70s Show again. I watch a few different TV series over and over again, I'm still adding new ones so that I don't watch the same 3 or 4 too often. I want to watch Everwood, but they've only released the first season on DVD which is very annoying since it ended almost 2 years ago now. Also I plan on adding Veronica Mars to the rotation, but I'm waiting for a collectors DVD set with more special features. If it doesn't come out soon I'm going to just have to buy the regular DVD sets.

Sunday, March 02, 2008


So there are FBI and Homeland Security agents outside my house right now. It's pretty crazy, they have the whole street closed off because they're searching the house a couple doors down from ours. Apparently some guy in Las Vegas was making Ricin in his hotel room and they somehow found it and traced him back to this house on my street. Pretty wild stuff. It's a good thing I don't have to go anywhere today, I wouldn't be able to get out if I wanted to. They told us to stay in the house as a precautionary measure.

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