Monday, October 23, 2006
I think that at least once in everyone's life they have a moment of clarity. Some people have these moments often, others not so often. I recently had one of these moments about my own life. I've come to realize that my life has gone so awry that I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I had so many plans when I was younger, I do realize how strange that sounds considering that I am only 20 years old. I feel so much older than that, 20 even sounds so old to me. I do realize that every "teenager" goes through what I am feeling now, the difference is most don't feel this way their whole life. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I try to pretend, I try to force myself to be happy but I just don't know if I can do it much longer. I am afraid of myself, I am afraid of the fact that I have given up on myself. I don't believe I will ever know happiness again. I know it seems shortsighted for someone as young as me to say these things, but it is the way I feel. All I have ever wanted for myself is to love and be loved in kind. I don't see any way this will be considering my stunted social skills. For those reading this that don't know, I dropped out of Highschool in 11th grade. The truth is I may as well have dropped out in 10th grade as everything was downhill when that year started. After finishing 9th grade I became a very angry person, as most teens do at some point. I was angry at the world for taking away what I had thought was happiness with Ashley. I realize now that I was unhappy long before then, I was just lying so much that I believed it myself. I'm not sure why I'm writing this in a 'blog' I should be sleeping, getting ready for work in the morning. I know that not many people read this, and I'm not sure why those who do read it do so. I'm sorry that I've wasted your time.