Sunday, December 30, 2007

Too Much Of A Good Thing

Too much of a good thing, is that possible? I'm starting to think so. I certainly think that I will be going through withdrawals when I have to go back to my normal life. I don't even know how I'm going to survive, everything feels so surreal right now I think it may be a complete shock to go back to normal. I really don't want to go back to normal.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Dreaming My Way Through Life

I'm having the most amazing time in Saint George and it makes me dread going back to real life. I feel like everything that has happened in the past few days has been a dream. I can't even comprehend what life is going to be like when I have to go back to it. I assume it will just be the same old boring stuff, but maybe not, hopefully not.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Gift Giving

I think in general that giving gifts is nice. I get a good feeling when someone really enjoys something that I gave them. Especially today because I gave my nephew a computer that I made for him, which is even better because I made it. It's nice to see him so excited about something. I also gave my mom a gift that she really wanted so that was good too.

I'm excited to be going to Saint George for a week or so tomorrow. Not so excited about having to work while I'm there, but at least I will be able to see at least one friend while I'm there. I actually feel okay today, but I feel sort of bad about not being able to talk to someone because I was busy. I'm sure we'll talk later though, probably just me feeling stupid about something that I shouldn't.

Monday, December 24, 2007


I am honestly beginning to believe that I am going to live out my entire life as a virgin. I really can't see myself in any situation where I will have the opportunity to have sex. Hell, I can't even see an opportunity arising that I will even be able to be more than friends with a girl. Simply because of the fact that I want it so badly that it's just never going to happen. It's been about 5 and a half years since a girl actually reciprocated any feelings that I had for them, and even longer than that since the last time I kissed a girl. So long that quite a few of the people I know didn't even know me then. It's certainly a sad state of affairs, and I don't understand how to fix it. I will leave nothing behind in this world when I die, which I suppose is okay, I wouldn't have to worry about leaving anything important behind. Also, I'll never have to worry about losing anyone I love so I suppose that's also a good thing. I really can't comprehend how someone can be so in love and lose that person and ever be able to move on. I would be an even sorrier mess than I am now.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Dying Inside

For some reason I always find myself awake when I shouldn't be. Now for instance, I have to wake up at about 7AM, yet I can't force myself to go to sleep. I don't know why I do it to myself, some sort of self hatred or something maybe. It's been this way since I can remember. I've always done most of my thinking when everyone else is asleep. It's strange that I'm always wishing someone would understand the way I am feeling and just comfort me, yet I won't let anyone know how I'm feeling. I always feel this need to hide myself away. I feel like I would be in my family's way if they knew how I felt nearly all of the time. So I go through life faking that I'm okay, when really I'm dying inside more every moment.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Looking Back

Looking back on my life I don't know what I'll be able to say I've done. I would hope that I will be able to say that I have made a difference, but I don't know if that will happen. I used to think that I would be important in some way to the world, but the further I get the more I realize that that isn't going to be who I am. I am just going to be another person who lived and died on this one planet in this one solar system in this one galaxy in this universe of infinite size. It's depressing. I don't know if I'll even be able to say that I loved and was loved in return. The only think I know I love is the idea of love. I've begun to realize that my idea of love is completely fictional, no one can love me for who I am. Love to me is unconditional, but for most love is a word used to describe a feeling that most often comes and goes. So is my definition of love wrong, or is the world's definition of love wrong?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Something Inside

So here I find myself again, up in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping. My brain won't let me sleep. I wish I could sleep forever and never have to leave my dreams, everything is so much easier in dreams because I know that it's not real. There's something broken inside of me and I don't think I will ever be able to fix it. No matter how well things go for me I just can't be happy. It's illogical and it drives me insane. It's not like I have a terrible life or something, but this thing inside me just makes me feel horrible all the time. It doesn't make any sense and I don't know what to do about or how much longer I can go on this way.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Haunting Memories

I've been doing a lot of searching lately, I search my mind for the answers to the questions that bother me. Somehow I never seem to find the answers I'm looking for. I suppose that's the mystery to life though, If I knew all the answers then there wouldn't be any questions to ask. In my searching I dredge up memories of far away places and people, from better times. Those who know me know well enough that I'm not very good at making contact with people. I'm not exactly sure what keeps me from just picking up the phone and calling. I guess it was easier back in High School when we all had something in common, but now everything is so different for everyone. Ever since Jenna was killed I have felt terrible about not contacting the people that should matter to me most. I want to talk to old friends but whatever it is that keeps me from doing so still applies no matter how much I want to reach out. Certain memories come into focus more often than others, as if they have a mind of their own and want to haunt me.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Loss Of A Friend

I just found out that an old friend of mine who I haven't been in contact with was murdered. She was 8 months pregnant with her third child and was brutally murdered for an unknown reason. The probable cause right now is for the handful of quarters she had with her as she was changing out newspapers from a vending machine and taking out the quarters. As I mentioned I haven't been in contact with her, we were friends in High School and when I dropped out we just lost contact. I remember one day after having not talked with her in at least 6 months she called me up to invite me to her wedding reception. Now there's something you must understand about this girl. She was always insisting that she never wanted to have sex or kids, obviously she was lying to herself because she was very excited when she found out that she was pregnant and her boyfriend asked her to marry her. I never would have admitted it back then to anyone, but I was very mad at her for all of this. For not telling me what was going on until it was too late, for not inviting me to her actual wedding. For getting pregnant and married. Like I said, I never would have admitted it back then but now it seems so petty. I can only imagine what my life would have been like had I kept in contact with her. If I could have put aside my petty feelings and actually tried to get in touch with her, and now I'll never have that chance. I don't believe in anything in particular about what happens to us after we die, and I don't really care to know. But I would like to believe that you are in a better place Jenna. I love you and will never forget you, you were one of the best things in my life, however short a time you were in it. You were the brightest star I have ever known and you deserved better than this. I can only hope that you were able to enjoy the love of your husband and two children and I know that their lives will be so much harder without you to take care of them. I'm so sorry for not being a good friend to you even when you were trying harder than me. I will never forgive myself for the mistake of not being your friend because of my stupid jealousy about your happiness. Goodbye my dear friend.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Dark Room

I feel like I am locked inside a dark room and I can't find the door to get out. Even if I could find the door I wouldn't be able to leave because it is locked. The scary thing is that I don't think I'll ever make it out of my dark room. My family ignores it, they know, but they never talk about it because it makes them uncomfortable knowing. I'll never make it our because I won't try, I can't try anymore. So I'll live out the rest of my existence in this room, never seeing anything but the blackness.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

The One That Got Away

You are the one that got away. Back in 9th grade I had a thing for you, and little did I know that you had a thing for me too. Your best friend at the time told me to take my time with you and to be careful, I was too careful. So careful that I never made my move. I ended up with someone else, and you made your move, but I was too caught up to realize what I was passing up. A couple of years later we were talking and I told you about how I had liked you and you revealed your feelings for me. You said that it was something that we shouldn't think about too much and that it was all in the past, little did you know that I still had those feelings for you. I wanted to tell you, so badly, but I still couldn't work up the courage to make my move. Time passed, my feelings never truly fading. You moved away and I had almost given up hope that I would ever get another chance. Then one day you called me, you said that you missed me, and that you wished that you could see me again. Eventually you came back to visit family and you called me in the middle of the night asking if you could come see me. I waited outside for you. That night in my driveway, the way you embraced me for so long, I had never felt that way before. We talked for awhile but eventually you had to leave. That was the last time we were alone together. You went back to your new home, more time passed. One day I received a message from you, you said you missed me and that I should come visit you. I came to where you were to see you and another friend. We talked for a bit but I still never told you how I felt. Eventually you moved back, and I finally took a chance. We talked and I told you all about how I felt and that I had been keeping those feelings for so long. I'm not sure what happened but you didn't respond to my attempt. Broken apart about what had happened I gave up trying to contact you, I couldn't bear to face you after baring my soul to you. A few months later I found out that you were with someone, I stopped looking at your pictures because it hurt too much to see you with someone else. Then, a few days ago I found out that you are engaged to be married. I sent you a message wishing you happiness, and you replied thanking me and asking how I was. So I told the truth, I said I am miserable but that I am glad that you are happy. I get the feeling that is the last contact we will have, at least for a long time. I really do wish you the best, and I am glad that you have found someone that can make you happy, happier than I ever could have. I feel like I'm split down the middle, part of me is glad that I won't have to wonder, what if I had made a move back in 9th grade. The other part of me will always wonder, what if?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Fond Memories

Sometimes I wonder if she ever looks back and remembers things the way I do. To her everything that happened between us was just a big mistake apparently. I just wonder if she ever just once looked back at the time we shared and didn't regret it for a second. It took me a long time to realize that what we had never would have worked, but I still would never regret it. What happened between us shaped both of our lives into what they are now. While I do regret what I have become I am happy to know that her life is at least somewhat like what she always hoped it would be. We had planned our whole lives, which was silly considering we were so young at the time. I don't have much that I can look back on and be happy about or be proud of, my life has been a series of failures and mis-fires. I will always have that short time to look back on. So I sit here in the middle of the night in this strange place, everyone else calls it home, I don't know what to call it. I'm forced to be here because there was nothing left for me where I was before. So every day I have to put on a face that is not my own, I have to pretend that there is a reason for being, when for me there is none.