Thursday, January 25, 2007
You are the one that got away. Back in 9th grade I had a thing for you, and little did I know that you had a thing for me too. Your best friend at the time told me to take my time with you and to be careful, I was too careful. So careful that I never made my move. I ended up with someone else, and you made your move, but I was too caught up to realize what I was passing up. A couple of years later we were talking and I told you about how I had liked you and you revealed your feelings for me. You said that it was something that we shouldn't think about too much and that it was all in the past, little did you know that I still had those feelings for you. I wanted to tell you, so badly, but I still couldn't work up the courage to make my move. Time passed, my feelings never truly fading. You moved away and I had almost given up hope that I would ever get another chance. Then one day you called me, you said that you missed me, and that you wished that you could see me again. Eventually you came back to visit family and you called me in the middle of the night asking if you could come see me. I waited outside for you. That night in my driveway, the way you embraced me for so long, I had never felt that way before. We talked for awhile but eventually you had to leave. That was the last time we were alone together. You went back to your new home, more time passed. One day I received a message from you, you said you missed me and that I should come visit you. I came to where you were to see you and another friend. We talked for a bit but I still never told you how I felt. Eventually you moved back, and I finally took a chance. We talked and I told you all about how I felt and that I had been keeping those feelings for so long. I'm not sure what happened but you didn't respond to my attempt. Broken apart about what had happened I gave up trying to contact you, I couldn't bear to face you after baring my soul to you. A few months later I found out that you were with someone, I stopped looking at your pictures because it hurt too much to see you with someone else. Then, a few days ago I found out that you are engaged to be married. I sent you a message wishing you happiness, and you replied thanking me and asking how I was. So I told the truth, I said I am miserable but that I am glad that you are happy. I get the feeling that is the last contact we will have, at least for a long time. I really do wish you the best, and I am glad that you have found someone that can make you happy, happier than I ever could have. I feel like I'm split down the middle, part of me is glad that I won't have to wonder, what if I had made a move back in 9th grade. The other part of me will always wonder, what if?
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Sometimes I wonder if she ever looks back and remembers things the way I do. To her everything that happened between us was just a big mistake apparently. I just wonder if she ever just once looked back at the time we shared and didn't regret it for a second. It took me a long time to realize that what we had never would have worked, but I still would never regret it. What happened between us shaped both of our lives into what they are now. While I do regret what I have become I am happy to know that her life is at least somewhat like what she always hoped it would be. We had planned our whole lives, which was silly considering we were so young at the time. I don't have much that I can look back on and be happy about or be proud of, my life has been a series of failures and mis-fires. I will always have that short time to look back on. So I sit here in the middle of the night in this strange place, everyone else calls it home, I don't know what to call it. I'm forced to be here because there was nothing left for me where I was before. So every day I have to put on a face that is not my own, I have to pretend that there is a reason for being, when for me there is none.