Sunday, December 10, 2006


Have you ever been so bored you just wish that you could be sedated? That's the way I feel everyday now. I don't know why I'm here, in Riverton. I hate it here, of course I would be just as miserable anywhere else. I don't have a job, I wont get a job because of my stupid issues. I'm going to end up working some crap job making minimum wage the rest of my life. I miss the way things were, I miss not worrying, granted it's been a very long time. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to being a kid, not having any huge responsibility. Every time I look outside I feel like I'm lost, I don't belong here. I left my entire life when I moved here and now I wish I could just have it all back, as unhappy as I was it was better than this. I just don't know what to do with myself. I had few enough friends already, and now I've abandoned them and have no friends. I don't know how to make new friends, it's not like it was when I was younger, I can't just go to school and meet people. I've become socially retarded because of my circumstance. I owe so much money, I still have to pay my dentist for fixing my teeth. Not to mention my brand new car payments, talk about bad timing for buying a car. I'm lost, I've been lost for a long time.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Moments Of Clarity

I think that at least once in everyone's life they have a moment of clarity. Some people have these moments often, others not so often. I recently had one of these moments about my own life. I've come to realize that my life has gone so awry that I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I had so many plans when I was younger, I do realize how strange that sounds considering that I am only 20 years old. I feel so much older than that, 20 even sounds so old to me. I do realize that every "teenager" goes through what I am feeling now, the difference is most don't feel this way their whole life. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I try to pretend, I try to force myself to be happy but I just don't know if I can do it much longer. I am afraid of myself, I am afraid of the fact that I have given up on myself. I don't believe I will ever know happiness again. I know it seems shortsighted for someone as young as me to say these things, but it is the way I feel. All I have ever wanted for myself is to love and be loved in kind. I don't see any way this will be considering my stunted social skills. For those reading this that don't know, I dropped out of Highschool in 11th grade. The truth is I may as well have dropped out in 10th grade as everything was downhill when that year started. After finishing 9th grade I became a very angry person, as most teens do at some point. I was angry at the world for taking away what I had thought was happiness with Ashley. I realize now that I was unhappy long before then, I was just lying so much that I believed it myself. I'm not sure why I'm writing this in a 'blog' I should be sleeping, getting ready for work in the morning. I know that not many people read this, and I'm not sure why those who do read it do so. I'm sorry that I've wasted your time.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Not Moving?

So I'm not going to be moving up north with my family, for now at least. My family did however find a house that they like in Riverton. They will be moving up there at the end of the month, and I will be moving in with my grandparents. I have mixed feelings about staying, I enjoy my work and I feel tied to this place for some reason but at the same time my family is leaving and I will miss them. On the upside I will have a nice basement room to live in and my own bathroom. Hopefully things will work out down here and I won't have to move again soon. I would eventually like to move out of my grandparent's house and get my own place but for now this will work out well I think. I'm having one of those nights where I can't sleep so I lay in bed thinking about all sorts of things. Tonight I've been from work tomorrow, my dog, ex-girlfriends, moving, my computer, needless to say it has been a strange night and I've just about given up on sleeping at all. So for now I will continue to rock the suburbs of St. George, as Cierra would say.

Thursday, July 20, 2006


So my parents informed me today that they are considering moving to the Salt Lake area. This has me awake well past the time that I should be asleep. I really like it down here and it's my home, but at the same time I wouldn't mind a change. I can't decide whether I should start looking for an apartment or something. It's very confusing.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Working Days

So I pretty much work non-stop these days. I enjoy the people I work with and most of the time I enjoy my job. The only problem is that I hate the job I am actually supposed to do. I love working in the store fixing computers, I hate going out to people's houses to set up new systems. The biggest problem lies in the fact that in order for me to 'move up' one of my coworkers would have to get fired or quit. I don't want that to happen. I suppose I just have to deal with it, that's what normal people do I guess.

I was hopeful about some relationship stuff the past few days but now things aren't quite going as I had hoped. Sometimes people get too wrapped up in their own lives and just get too busy to deal with anything resembling a relationship. That hasn't happened to me yet but I am afraid that it might if I don't have something happen soon.

I got a wedding invitation from an old friend today. It's strange to think that people I went to school with are married. Life sure doesn't turn out the way you plan or want it to. I always thought that I would be in college or married, or at least in a relationship. I think I was made into a social retard because of the fact that I dropped out of high school. I don't seem to have the normal social skills that most people possess.

Friday, February 03, 2006

To Hate You

it would be so much easier to hate you, instead you are nice to me. every time i hear from you old feelings rush back into my heart. feelings that i know i shouldn't be having. feelings that probably aren't real. i know things could never have worked out but that doesn't change the fact that i miss you. things are much easier when i can hate you, but i have never been able to.

Thursday, January 26, 2006


Well, today was my 20th birthday. I didn't have much time to reflect upon the last year today. I spent the day working. I did get to have some cheese cake when I got home though so that was nice. To those of you who remembered my birthday and emailed me or otherwise contacted me thank you. To those of you who didn't remember, I don't blame you, I wouldn't remember either. Just 1 more year and I can head down to Vegas and do a little gambling.

Sunday, January 15, 2006


Things are finally starting to get a little better. I've got a good job that I actually enjoy. I got out of the crap job that was killing me. There's still plenty missing from my life, but things are getting slightly better. Anyway, that's about it.