Friday, April 18, 2008

It's Not Only My Fault

I thought maybe that if I told myself that I am OK that I would be. It didn't work. I don't know who I thought I was kidding, I haven't been OK for a while now. I'm worse than I was before, as bad as I've ever been I think. I'm afraid to do anything with myself because I can't handle failing again. The whole reason I thought I would be able to go to college is because I thought I was going to have someone there to help me figure it out. Well that didn't work out and now I'm alone again. I just wanted a friend to be there with me, to help me when I needed it, but that was too much to ask. It really is bad now, and everyone seems to be able to ignore it just as well as they always have. My Mother keeps pushing me to go to school, it makes things easier for her if she can ignore the fact that I'm never going to be able to do anything with myself. I'm too depressed to do anything. I play video games and watch movies because it helps me forget for a short time how messed up I am. My parents want to believe that I'm just being lazy, but they know the truth, they just won't let themselves believe it. I already had abandonment issues because of my siblings leaving when I was so young. It's about a million times worse now. I don't want to blame it on you, because I know that it is in no small part my fault, but you can't say that you don't share the blame.

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