Sunday, February 10, 2008

I Did Something Stupid Today

When I was 18 I did what I consider to be one of the worst things someone can do. I attempted suicide. Now anyone who has talked to me much at all already knows this about me. I try not to bring it up because it generally makes people uncomfortable, but if asked about it I am always willing to tell the story. I have severe clinical depression, a well known fact about me among anyone who knows me. I've lived with it since about the 4th grade. Sometimes it's really bad, other times it's not so bad. When I was 18 it was really bad. I had dropped out of high school, I didn't have a job, I was in a severely stupid online relationship that I still try to forget. One day for no particular reason I was feeling really down and I finally decided that it was time to end all of my pain. I planned to take a whole bottle of my Dad's Oxycontin painkillers but his safe that he keeps his medication in was locked. So instead I took what I could find. I crushed up a whole bottle of my Mom's sleeping pills and drank them in a glass of water so that I wouldn't be able to throw the pills up. I wrote a letter to my parents telling them that I was sorry and that I loved them, and to give my computer to Matt. I woke up hours later very disappointed that I was alive. I was extremely hungry so I went upstairs to eat and I watched an episode of CSI with my Mom. I was in such a haze from the pills, I'm surprised my Mom didn't notice that something was wrong with me. After we finished watching the show I went back downstairs and realized what a stupid thing I had done. People who have never gone through this won't understand, they will say "well if you failed why didn't you just try again, nothing is better for you obviously." I can't explain what went on in my mind that day, but I realized that I didn't want to die. I took the empty bottle of pills upstairs and told my Mom what I had done. I said to her "I did something stupid today, I tried to kill myself." I don't remember the exact chain of events after that but I do remember being taken to the emergency room by my parents. I remember they wanted a urine sample and I couldn't pee. I remember talking to some sort of counselor. When they realized that I wasn't going to try again they decided it was OK for me to go home. Strange because I am now under the impression that anyone attempting suicide has a mandatory stay in a psychiatric facility, apparently not. I don't know why I felt the need to write this, I suppose just to get it out there in the open. I don't know if I've ever told anyone the full detailed story. I have no urge to ever try something like that again, it was most certainly the biggest mistake I have ever made and my biggest regret in life.

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