Friday, February 29, 2008
I can honestly say that I am more than a little bit worried about going to school. I will have to move away from my parents house, I've never lived anywhere that wasn't with family. I won't know anyone, and considering my lack of social skills I probably will have a hard time making friends. Not to mention the actually school part, the last time I went to school I was 17 years old, and it didn't work out well. I think it would be easier if I had friends who were going to the same school as me. I've thought about going to SUU so that I could at least know a few people, but I don't want to get trapped in that world. I love Southern Utah, it will always be my home, but I just don't know if it's the right place for me right now. Eventually I would like to end up there, but I don't want to live my whole life there. Right now I'm mainly considering USU up in Logan, it's really the only school that I have looked at, but it seems to have a good Music program. I guess I should look into a couple of other schools. Of course this is all dependent on whether or not I can get the financial aid and get accepted to a school, which I am doubtful about. I hate not having anyone to help me with this stuff. This is why I didn't end up going to school when I was younger, I went to sign up for classes at DSC and was just overwhelmed and didn't know what I was supposed to do. I have to do something to move my life forward though, I can't live with my parents forever, and I definitely can't keep doing the job that I'm doing now.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
So I made my spaghetti. It turned out pretty good. I think next time I will get some sort of sauce that's more chunky to make up for the lack to meat in it. I don't want the meat, but there has to be something to fill it out a bit. The noodles were great, 100% Whole Grain, they smell awesome when you're cooking them. I just watched Hitman, it was alright. Better than most video game movies, and I liked the guy playing Agent 47, he did it well. All in all it was an enjoyable viewing experience. Last night I watched a movie called The Baxter. It was just some random movie I picked off of the OnDemand list, it turned out to be a great pick. I had never really seen Michelle Williams in anything because I never watched Dawson's Creek, she's actually a really good actress. I have to wake up early and drive for 2.5 hours to get to work, and then drive back after work, I'm definitely not looking forward to that.
I think one of my favorite things to hear from someone is that they appreciate me. Just hearing someone say "I appreciate you." is really nice for some reason. I was thinking about something today that seemed very profound, now I can't recall what it was. Is it possible to trust someone too much? I know that it is if they are breaking that trust and you just keep trusting them. What I mean is is it possible to trust someone too much when they haven't done anything to lose your trust. I feel like it might be possible. I've found myself trusting particular people so much that I don't even question anything they say. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I'll think to myself "are they just playing games with my head?" Then I think, no way, they would never do that because they never even lie. I tried to make my Velveeta pasta stuff yesterday, it didn't work out so well. Apparently you have to mix the Velveeta with milk or something to make it work right. I guess I should have looked it up before I tried it, now I know. I'm thinking about making spaghetti today when I get home from the chiropractor, I'm not sure if I'll still feel like it when I get back though.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I've recently been noticing numbers more frequently. Mostly ones and fours. It seems like every hour without fail I look at the clock at 11 minutes past and 44 minutes past. I've started associating different people with different numbers, another habit I've picked up from a friend of mine. Matt is a four, Alanya is a 1, my dad is a 6, my mom is an 8. I'm not sure why I see numbers when I think of people, but it definitely happens.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
I'm quite excited about the movie I just watched. Wristcutters: A Love Story, it was very good. I think it helped that I didn't know anything about it going in, movies always seem better that way. I remember when Adaptation came out in the theaters and Matt and I went to see it. We actually just went to the theater to see what was playing and we saw that because we didn't know anything about it. It was pretty good. Anyway, I enjoyed this movie very much, the acting was great and the storyline was great. Very interesting stuff.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
So I finally went shopping for some good food. Thanks to a friend's advice I made a good list and got everything that I went to get. It worked out pretty well. I'm trying to be more healthy in what I eat, and hopefully I'll start running soon. I want to be in better shape, mostly just so that I will feel better physically, I think it might help mentally as well. So I got some Organic Fat Free Milk, that's my favorite purchase so far, it tastes so good. I can't explain why, but for some reason it just tastes better than regular non-organic milk. I also got some Whole Grain pasta and sauces to make some spaghetti and such. Overall I think I did alright, I'm watching the stuff I eat more carefully now. I stopped drinking anything with High Fructose Corn Syrup in it. I was drinking PowerAde to get away from all the sugar stuff in soda, but I never even thought to look and see that it's just as bad. So I guess I'll have to find something else tasty to drink that doesn't have it. For now I'm just going with juice, it's good stuff.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
I don't know what else to say other than the fact that for some reason the Village Inn put me in a bad mood today. We went to eat dinner there and for some reason I got all depressed and upset when we walked in. Some sort of bad vibes or something just hit me when we walked in. I don't think I'll be eating there again, which will be hard considering that my grandparents want to go there every time we come down.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
I had a wonderful evening. I went out to Hurricane to Matt's house and just sat and had fun conversation with his parents and friends. It's the kind of thing I enjoy doing, a small gathering of people just enjoying each other's company. I think it was just the thing I needed. Through this I realized that I have actually matured since I was 18. I always say how I haven't changed, but when I really think about it there are a few things about me that have changed. Today was a pretty crappy day considering everything that happened, but I didn't let it get me down and I feel very good about myself because of that. I don't know if I've ever felt this way about myself before, it's a good feeling. If there's one thing I've learned in the past few months that is to enjoy the little things in life and try to not dwell on bad things. I really feel like something has been set in motion inside myself and that I am ready to move forward with my life instead of being afraid of it. For that I must thank my friend, she has made me realize many things about myself and has helped me to be a better person.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
So when I was driving down to Saint George today I was thinking about spirits and such. A memory popped into my head. When I was fairly young, maybe 10 or so, a relative of mine died. Aunt Bertha, I don't know if she was actually my aunt, I just know that's what I called her. I remember being in the room with her when she died. Just before it happened the window in the room burst open, her daughter said "It's dad, coming to get mom." I don't know why I remembered that, I guess because of my difficulties sleeping last night. I had a hard time falling asleep in the first place because I kept seeing things in my room. I was laying with my back to the door and I would hear the door open and someone walk in, but when I turned around the door was closed and nobody was there. Then I had a nightmare that scared me so bad that I couldn't fall back asleep. I do believe in spirits, I don't know why they are here, but I do believe that they are here. That being said, I think shows like Ghost Hunters are a bunch of bull.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
So today has been one of those days where I feel like I couldn't be more alone if I was the last person on earth. I don't know why, it just happens sometimes. I can be with my family having a fine time, or I can be sitting in my room watching a movie. This feeling of being alone just overcomes me, it's the feeling that I'm most afraid of. My greatest fear in life is being alone, not in the sense of having physical alone time. I mean really being alone, with no one to care about me. I've felt this way for the majority of my life. I know my family loves me, but they just don't understand, and they don't want to understand. They like to pretend that there is nothing wrong with me, because if they acknowledged it that would make it real to them. So I'm left to deal with my stupid brain, alone.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
When I was 18 I did what I consider to be one of the worst things someone can do. I attempted suicide. Now anyone who has talked to me much at all already knows this about me. I try not to bring it up because it generally makes people uncomfortable, but if asked about it I am always willing to tell the story. I have severe clinical depression, a well known fact about me among anyone who knows me. I've lived with it since about the 4th grade. Sometimes it's really bad, other times it's not so bad. When I was 18 it was really bad. I had dropped out of high school, I didn't have a job, I was in a severely stupid online relationship that I still try to forget. One day for no particular reason I was feeling really down and I finally decided that it was time to end all of my pain. I planned to take a whole bottle of my Dad's Oxycontin painkillers but his safe that he keeps his medication in was locked. So instead I took what I could find. I crushed up a whole bottle of my Mom's sleeping pills and drank them in a glass of water so that I wouldn't be able to throw the pills up. I wrote a letter to my parents telling them that I was sorry and that I loved them, and to give my computer to Matt. I woke up hours later very disappointed that I was alive. I was extremely hungry so I went upstairs to eat and I watched an episode of CSI with my Mom. I was in such a haze from the pills, I'm surprised my Mom didn't notice that something was wrong with me. After we finished watching the show I went back downstairs and realized what a stupid thing I had done. People who have never gone through this won't understand, they will say "well if you failed why didn't you just try again, nothing is better for you obviously." I can't explain what went on in my mind that day, but I realized that I didn't want to die. I took the empty bottle of pills upstairs and told my Mom what I had done. I said to her "I did something stupid today, I tried to kill myself." I don't remember the exact chain of events after that but I do remember being taken to the emergency room by my parents. I remember they wanted a urine sample and I couldn't pee. I remember talking to some sort of counselor. When they realized that I wasn't going to try again they decided it was OK for me to go home. Strange because I am now under the impression that anyone attempting suicide has a mandatory stay in a psychiatric facility, apparently not. I don't know why I felt the need to write this, I suppose just to get it out there in the open. I don't know if I've ever told anyone the full detailed story. I have no urge to ever try something like that again, it was most certainly the biggest mistake I have ever made and my biggest regret in life.
Dogs bark, whispering to me. I wish I knew what they were saying. I wish I could hear their thoughts. It seems to be such a simple life, but is it really so simple? To sleep whenever you want to, to run as much as you want to and stop when you want to. To have your only worry be to get someone to scratch behind your ears or rub your belly. Who knows what thoughts dogs hide in their minds. Are they really as simple minded as we think they are?
Friday, February 08, 2008
Feelings defy all logic I have found. It doesn't matter how much you want to change your feelings, you simply can't control them. My feelings overwhelm me regularly, I'm not sure if it's the same for everyone, but I often feel completely crippled by them. Sometimes this is a good thing, when I'm feeling love. Sometimes it's a bad thing, when I'm feeling sad. It doesn't matter how many times it happens, it's just as intense every time. It doesn't make a difference that I know what is happening when it happens. It doesn't matter that I know my feelings are most often illogical. For me, being overwhelmed by these feelings is the most purely simple state I can be in. My mind can be racing and yet the feelings remain the same.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
I want you to want me, I need you to need me. Thanks Cheap Trick for explaining my feelings so accurately, I couldn't have said it better myself. All I want is for someone else to want me as much as I want them. I want someone to need me, nobody has ever needed me. I dream of epic love, the stuff of legend, perhaps this is why I am so disappointed by the real world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. I keep searching for what I want and just when I think I've found it, something happens and I have to go back to the beginning. I wish I could break out of this circle and start going in a line instead. I'm trying so hard to change things for the better, but I am afraid. I'm afraid that everything that I'm hoping for is going to fall apart. This is what I live with, constant fear.