Monday, January 21, 2008
I would like to learn how to play guitar and/or piano someday. I took piano lessons when I was younger, but I was just too impatient to actually practice so it never worked out. I would like to learn to play these instruments so that I could sing and play other people's songs. Instead of just singing along to the music on my iPod I could recreate the music, that would be nice.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
So I think that love is misrepresented a large majority of the time. Most people equate love with some sort of physical relationship. While love more often than not leads to a physical relationship I do not believe that a physical relationship is needed when you love someone. For me I think I would rather have a deep emotional connection to someone for an extended period of time, rather than jump into something physical. I would like to be able to just love someone and have them love me back without needing anything physical. Only when it feels right for both people should anything physical happen. I suppose I should clarify. I think that generally being physically close is one thing. Kissing, and anything beyond that is completely different. I've realized recently that I really don't care about the physical aspect of a relationship, I suppose I've always felt this way, I've just come to understand it more recently.
Friday, January 18, 2008
I've spent so much time worrying about being happy. So much time being unhappy with what I have, taking everything for granted. I've recently come to realize, due in no small part to the help of my friend, that I need to learn to be okay with things. Don't get me wrong, I will still always want more than I have until I get what I really want, but I need to be able to be satisfied with what I have.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Sometimes I feel like a dog. Dogs can love unconditionally, I'm beginning to think that such a thing in other humans is impossible. To me love is some sort of absolutely overwhelming thing, to others it seems to be just another emotion. Love is so amazing and profound to me that I don't even categorize it as an emotion. All I want in life is to find someone who can feel the same way about me that I can feel about them, I don't know if it's ever going to happen. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who feels this way. I know that in order for me to find someone I have to first figure out my own problems. I just don't know if I can ever be happy enough to be attractive to anyone. The only way I know that I will be happy is if I have someone, and if I'm not happy with myself how can anyone be happy with me. It's a never ending cycle.
Friday, January 11, 2008
So apparently my Mom is thinking about hiring someone to take my place in the business. I would take over all of the book keeping stuff and still help with the bigger stores. I guess that would be okay, but I would have to find something else to occupy my time. Maybe I could take a couple of classes at a college or something. I really don't know at this point what I want to do, I wish I did, but I just don't. I'd like to believe that eventually I will find my purpose in life, it's just hard to see that happening when I have no idea what I want. All I've ever seen in my ideal future is having a family, I've never thought about what I would have to do to make that happen. I just hope that some day I will be able to do what it takes for someone to love me.
Friday, January 04, 2008
It's amazing to me how much emotions effect the physical condition of my body. My heart is racing a hundred miles an hour non-stop for the last 12 hours at least. I have a pit in my stomach with the force of an all consuming black hole. I keep thinking that it will go away, but it just sticks around. I guess I should get out of the house for a few minutes, maybe that will help a little.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I'm feeling lonely ever since I got back from Saint George. More so than usual, probably because I spent so much time around people while I was there. Now I'm back to the usual routine of not seeing anyone other than my family. This is not a nice adjustment, I want someone to hang out with all the time. No more alone time please.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Well, I can't seem to write enough today, it just keeps coming out of my fingers. I've been looking into what sort of job opportunities I might have further north. I don't really want to settle in here in the SL Valley because it's just too crowded and busy all the time. I'd rather be somewhere a little smaller but still big enough to have everything I need. I'm looking mostly at somewhere between Ogden and Logan, but really anywhere up there would be fine. It looks like there's a few computer stores in Logan, and Tagg says there's at least one in Brigham City. I shouldn't have trouble finding somewhere to live, I can just find a student who's looking for a roommate or something of that sort. Now I just need to figure out how long it's going to take for all of this to happen. I don't want to be stuck in my job too much longer, hopefully by the end of the summer I'll be ready to do this. I started putting money away in my savings today, I've decided at least $250 every month if not more. That should build up a nice little fund to take care of me while I figure things out. On a completely different note, I'm wearing a baby-blue sweater that my mom got me for X-mas. It feels strange, like it's not my sort of color. It is nice and warm and soft though so I think I will continue to wear it.
So I was looking through old pictures today and I saw pictures of my dog Cookie. I thought back and realized that it's been just over 3 years since he died. I miss him so much, he is the best friend I ever had. No matter what happened he was always there, I feel like I don't have that anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my dogs now, but it's just not the same as Cookie. I had him for 17 years, I can't even remember a time when he wasn't there. It's hard to find that kind of devotion in a human, I wish I had someone who would love me unconditionally like he did. Maybe someday I will find that person.
So I just came back "home" and I was/am feeling a little overwhelmed by everything. Things were much simpler in Saint George when I didn't have to worry about anything. My Grandmother made some homemade Egg Noodle Chicken Soup, my favorite homemade thing, and it is definitely helping me feel better. Food has never affected me like this, it's interesting.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
I think that I am going to try a different approach to life. Instead of worrying and dwelling so much I need to just take things one day at a time. I need to live more, I feel as though I've been hiding for so long from everything for fear of getting hurt. It's time to attempt something different. So my main goal is to never be depressed more than 1 day at a time. No more 1 week of depression, I think that maybe part of my problem is that I didn't have any reason to be happy and I didn't try hard enough. I've been thinking a little more about what I want to do in the short-long term. Obviously I don't want to keep the job I have for too long, since I've only had it for 6 months and it's already driving me insane. I would really like to work with computers in some way, I'm just not sure exactly how. I enjoyed working at a computer store fixing them, I think I might try that again only somewhere where the boss isn't an idiot. Maybe I'll move further north and try to get Tagg to do something with me in that area. It's time to start looking forward instead of always looking back.