Too Much Of A Good Thing

Too much of a good thing, is that possible? I'm starting to think so. I certainly think that I will be going through withdrawals when I have to go back to my normal life. I don't even know how I'm going to survive, everything feels so surreal right now I think it may be a complete shock to go back to normal. I really don't want to go back to normal.

Dreaming My Way Through Life

I'm having the most amazing time in Saint George and it makes me dread going back to real life. I feel like everything that has happened in the past few days has been a dream. I can't even comprehend what life is going to be like when I have to go back to it. I assume it will just be the same old boring stuff, but maybe not, hopefully not.

Gift Giving

I think in general that giving gifts is nice. I get a good feeling when someone really enjoys something that I gave them. Especially today because I gave my nephew a computer that I made for him, which is even better because I made it. It's nice to see him so excited about something. I also gave my mom a gift that she really wanted so that was good too.

I'm excited to be going to Saint George for a week or so tomorrow. Not so excited about having to work while I'm there, but at least I will be able to see at least one friend while I'm there. I actually feel okay today, but I feel sort of bad about not being able to talk to someone because I was busy. I'm sure we'll talk later though, probably just me feeling stupid about something that I shouldn't.

Virginity

I am honestly beginning to believe that I am going to live out my entire life as a virgin. I really can't see myself in any situation where I will have the opportunity to have sex. Hell, I can't even see an opportunity arising that I will even be able to be more than friends with a girl. Simply because of the fact that I want it so badly that it's just never going to happen. It's been about 5 and a half years since a girl actually reciprocated any feelings that I had for them, and even longer than that since the last time I kissed a girl. So long that quite a few of the people I know didn't even know me then. It's certainly a sad state of affairs, and I don't understand how to fix it. I will leave nothing behind in this world when I die, which I suppose is okay, I wouldn't have to worry about leaving anything important behind. Also, I'll never have to worry about losing anyone I love so I suppose that's also a good thing. I really can't comprehend how someone can be so in love and lose that person and ever be able to move on. I would be an even sorrier mess than I am now.

Dying Inside

For some reason I always find myself awake when I shouldn't be. Now for instance, I have to wake up at about 7AM, yet I can't force myself to go to sleep. I don't know why I do it to myself, some sort of self hatred or something maybe. It's been this way since I can remember. I've always done most of my thinking when everyone else is asleep. It's strange that I'm always wishing someone would understand the way I am feeling and just comfort me, yet I won't let anyone know how I'm feeling. I always feel this need to hide myself away. I feel like I would be in my family's way if they knew how I felt nearly all of the time. So I go through life faking that I'm okay, when really I'm dying inside more every moment.