Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Unknown Future

I finally feel like I'm maybe through the worst of this, ready to move on. Strange that it would be something so simple being said to me that would cause such a quick change. Also strange that it came from my Mother. She said to me "She's not going to change her mind." That simple statement made me realize that I can't dwell on this forever. She was my best friend, I still miss her and care about her, I always will. She will have a lasting influence on me, which I am grateful for. So I am moving on, into the unknown future.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Waking Up

There's this feeling that I get just before I open my eyes. Right after I wake up but before I open my eyes. I never know where I will be when I open them. I always know where I want to be, but that never seems to be where I am. I've woken up in so many different places in just the last year, I'm never quite sure where I am before I see.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Hometown Blues

Here I am, back in my hometown again. I used to love coming here, especially when I knew that it meant seeing you. Now it's almost worse being here than at home. When I'm here I know that you're only 10 minutes away but that I can't see you. When I'm here everything reminds me of you, even more than usual. I sit in this basement where we watched movies and myspace videos of cute animals. After I wake up my first reaction is to call you to see what you want to to do today. Whenever something happens you're the first person that I want to tell, but I can't. The first time I came down after you stopped talking to me my grandparents asked me about you, I almost died.

Monday, May 12, 2008

For You

I wrote this for you, when I read it to you I didn't tell you that it was about you. You told me that it was sad. You're the only one I've ever read my writing to. You're the only person who has ever shown interest in anything I've done. You used to read this blog, I'm certain that you don't anymore. I remember the first time you called me, you couldn't stop laughing. You were laughing about my post on virginity. I talked to you nearly every night after that. I knew that I loved you from the first time I heard your voice. After the first night that we hung out together I knew it even more. I know that you don't care, and that you wont be reading this, but I have to write it regardless. So here it is, a little piece of my soul that I wrote for you.

I feel you in my body,
invading every cell.
It hurts me to be with you,
it hurts me more to be away.
I want to tell you how I feel,
I want to tell you I Love You.
You have changed me in ways
that I can not describe.
I feel you.
Do you feel me?
I wish that I could be
everything you need.
I would rather be your friend
than nothing at all.
I wish that I could see you
every single day.
I know that you'll forget me
some day.

That's it, my shamefully bad writing for you, out there for everyone to criticize. You wont even know. I feel all this pain now, because of you. I'm not mad, I wouldn't trade it for the world. At least now there's something real to be in pain for. I love you, I don't care who knows it.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Afraid Of Myself

I feel as though the only thing keeping me alive anymore is that I don't want to hurt my family. If it weren't for them I don't think I would be here anymore. I feel like there's nothing, and I just want it to stop. I know that I'm never going to get better, I've been trying for half of my life to feel better. There's something wrong when you have to really try in order to be happy, and even when you try you just can't be. I can honestly remember being happy maybe once in the last five years, I mean really happy. The closest I ever come to happiness is simply OK, not thinking about anything for a few minutes. This is why I watch movies and play video games, they allow me to escape from my head. Life shouldn't be this way, it's just not right.