The Hardest Thing

Today I had to do the hardest thing I've ever done in my life thusfar. I had to take my dog to get put to sleep. Cookie was nearly 17 years old, which is the equivilant of about 81 human years. He was almost completely blind and deaf and it was too hard to watch him suffer. He was a Schnauzer/Cockerspaniel/Poodle mix and he's been with me since I can remember. I don't know what I will do without him sleeping outside my door in the hallway everynight, and without hearing his barking because he wants a treat. He had a long and happy life and was never mistreated. There wasn't a day in his life when he wasn't spoiled rotten. He was my companion and my best friend and I will miss him very much. The bond between a boy and his dog is not something that can be expressed in words. Cookie was with me through thick and thin, he always knew when I wasn't feeling well. He would lay on my bed to protect me when I was sick, and he was always waiting for me at the door when I came home from school. I love him very much and nothing will ever be able to fill the empty space in my life now that he is gone. We are having him cremated so that he can still be close to us even in death. We are getting a new dog tomorrow named Poncho, hopefully he will help ease the sadness and heartache that my whole family will surely be feeling. And hopefully it will help my other dog, Beezer, adapt to not having his big brother around to take care of him.

My Boring Life

well then, my life is so incredibly boring that I don't even have anything to write about in my blog. I used to write in this damn thing nearly every day and now it's once a week, on a good week. Something needs to happen in my life, and soon. I really should be looking for a job, but it's difficult to find a job in southern utah unless I want to work fast food (which I will NEVER do) or if I have some sort of medical training (which I obviously dont). Oh well, I guess I'll have to make the rounds with my resume again and hope that CD Warehouse has an opening or something. I suppose if it comes down to it I could try to get back on at sears. Anyhow, that's about it, I'll update the next time something actually happens.

50th Anniversary

So today is my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. I'm all busy running around getting stuff set up and taking pictures (I'm the photographer for the actual event). It kind of sucks being busy like this, but I'm happy for them. 50 Years is a long time, I can only hope that I'll find love like that some day.

Finished

well, we just finished unloading the last trailer from the old house. now all we have to do is get some of the boxes unpacked so that there is actually room to move around in the garage. I need to find all of the stuff from my room, my new room is pretty empty. anyhow, i will be forced to find a job soon and i'm hoping it won't be something like sears where i have to wear a uniform everyday. i also really don't want to cut my hair again. wish me luck in my search for a job....again.

moved in

egads, i have to type this all over again because i hit back on accident. anyhow, i'm moved into the new house now so those of you that live in town should call me or email me so that we can hang out sometime. not much going on other than the new house, if anything exciting happens i'll be sure to post about it. oh and be sure to check out my friends blogs.


Katie's Blog


Matt's Blog


they are both teh rox0rz so check them out.

Living Space

well, i moved into the new house today, for the most part anyway. I have my bed and computer, all the essentials. now i just have to help everyone else in the family move in. not really looking forward to that. anyhow, nothing else exciting going on, life is boring as usual. goodbye for now my fellow humans, and the occasional canine reader.

New House

well, the new house is finished now, they started the landscaping and block wall today, and did all of the carpet. so all we have to do now is wait for the cleaners to come in and clean all of the construction mess up and we can move in. so i'll be busy moving stuff all next week. not looking forward to the actual moving but once we get all moved in it'll be nice to not have to worry about it. then i just need to find a job so i can make a little money :P

Contemplation

someone that i used to work with at the dixie center died on saturday. he was only 44 years old and his birthday would have been in 2 weeks. he died in a automobile accident, most likely because he wasn't wearing a seat belt. after going to the viewing this evening i have been left contemplating many things. why do such horrible things happen to such good people? Is life just a series of random occurances? or is there something more to it? death seems to do this to most people, make them contemplate that is.

On a different note, I got my season 4 Angel DVDs last week and finished watching them last night. I never realized it before but in the final episode Angel actually kills Connor in order to give him a different life.

RAWR!

well, nothing insanely exciting going on. about the most exciting thing that happened in the last 2 days is that we had french dips for dinner tonight and they were yummy. oh and someone who stumbled across my blog by accident that happens to live in the same area as me has contacted me. still alone, still without hope, still not ready to give up hope.

maybe in an alternate dimension

yesterday and the day before i was all depressed and now i seem to be doing alright. what the hell is going on with me? weird stuff. anyhow, i took matt back up to ogden yesterday and stayed the night at his dorm. we went over to cierra's house and just talked for a couple hours then matt and i went for some food and i took off back down here at around 7:30. the crappy thing is that i left my blanket and all of my pillows at matt's place so now i have to sleep with something that i'm not used to.... oh well.
life sure is strange right now. i thought that i'd never want to move out of my parents house but now that i've been up to ogden and spent time with matt and cierra i really wish that i could go up there for school. problem is i don't have the money to pay for school and housing. i guess i'll just have to work down here for awhile and save up some cash in order to pay for some schooling. I just really want to be up there so that I can hang out with matt and cierra more often. ugh, i don't know what i'm going to do with myself once we move into st. george. i'll have to get a job and i'll have no free time, not that i do anything important with my free time now. i wish i could meet someone soon, being alone is driving me insane, and the person that i like would never like me back. it really wouldn't work between us anyway. maybe in an alternate dimension.

like shit

well this is just great, now not only do i feel like shit about myself, but i think i'm getting sick so i just feel like shit all together. life is just grand.

Why Am I Me?

sometimes I can't help but wonder why I am the way I am. why am I depressed? why am I a loner? why do I get depressed when I'm with my friends? why are my friends my friends? everyone is so much better than me at everything, why am I here? I have no talents. I used to think that I was an artistic person because I liked to sing. now I realize that I'm not artistic at all, I can only sing other people's words and never my own. why do I have these dreams of the same person every night? someone I hardly know. why am I me?

feeling bad for me

so now i really feel bad about myself. matt has a girl that likes him, jared (matt's little brother) has a girl that likes him. everyone has someone except for me. i feel like i must be disgusting or something because it seems like nobody even looks at me anymore. yeah, i pretty much hate myself today. i did have some fun though. we (matt and i) went over to katie's (matt's girl) house and sat there for a few hours. then we went to matt's house and ate food. then we went and picked up katie and her sister and cousin and took jared with us to fiesta fun center. we played mini golf and rode the go-cart thingies, it was pretty cool. afterwards we went to wendy's and got food and then went to the park and ate the food, and screwed around at the park for about 2 hours and 1/2. then we came home. anyhow, i feel like shit about myself and i'm done talking. i guess it's good that i sort of like someone right now, the sad part is that i hardly even know her anymore, and i have absolutely no chance whatsoever with her because she is way too good for me. ok, i guess i wasn't done talking....typing when i said i was, but now i am. badnight, oh noes.

Ogden and Back

well today was an interesting day. matt called me and i drove up to ogden to get him and bring him down for labour day weekend. I was going to stay the night up there but we just decided to drive back down, so I just got home about 15 minutes ago. This little trip puts the kaibosh on the september 17th trip. anyhow, that's all for now.

Gmail

well, i got a gmail account, now i just have to wait for them to give pop or imap access to the accounts. then i can use thunderbird with it and i might actually switch to gmail. i'm not sure why i want gmail, i store all of my mail on my computer anyway, so the 1GB of storage doesn't really help me any. in other news, i'm really bored, all the time. i really need a girlfriend, which poses a problem. it is impossible to meet anyone when you don't leave the house. maybe i'll get one of those mail order brides from russia or something......no, not a good idea, i don't speak russian, or any other foreign language for that matter. oh well, i guess i'll just have to be alone more.

Moving Stuff - AGAIN!!!

well today i was lucky enough to get to move all of my grandparents furniture out of their house. most of it went up to a storage shed but some of it came to our house, and now we're all living in this house, a 3 bedroom house with 6 people. it's insanely crowded around here.

on a side note, i want a gmail account just so i can be like everyone else! even though i probably wouldn't use it.

Moving Furniture

Ugh, today I had to move my parents huge bed into the basement, and tomorrow I have to move my grandparents bed and furniture over into our house. It's very exhausting and my knees are killing me. I can't wait until this is all over with. On the bright side of things, I played FFXI for 5 hours last night and gained 2 levels. not that any of you really care about that. I need to go up to weber and visit matt and cierra to get away from the family. I'm hoping I'll get to go up within the next couple of weeks, before we move into the new house anyway.

myspace profile

stupid myspace made it so that the CSS in profiles has to use the names of colors instead of #AAA for example. so my profile got all messed up and i had to just set it back to the default. grrr, myspace has been making me angry lately.

End Of An Era

Today is the end of an era for me, my best friend matt will be leaving for college tomorrow morning. Everything is changing so quickly, and I'm just staying the same. It's as though time is passing and I'm standing still. Things are just getting too weird for me, and this doesn't help any. I can't stop thinking about the past, and now one of the last people from my past is leaving. I just wish I could redo my teenage years, things would be much different.

The Past

So i've been sitting here all day thinking about the past and the different choices i could have and should have made, while playing mario golf advance tour and tetris of course. I dunno, for some reason I can seem to get it off of my mind and it's driving me insane. Just thinking about the possibilites of what might have happened had I made even one different choice just blows my mind. Anyhow that's all for now, time to go back to tetris and mario golf.

Good Stuff

well, i went golfing this morning. didn't shoot a good round but it was fun nonetheless. The coolest thing happened today, I got to see my awesome friend Cierra, and we got to talk for the first time in over 2 years. It was super cool, we just sat and talked for about an hour. anyhow, i think i'll go back to watching seinfeld episodes and stop thinking so much about the past and how things could've been different if i had made some different choices, or made choices that i didn't end up making.

Alien Vs. Predator

well, matt and i went to see this movie today, it was interesting. not as good as any of the alien movies, except maybe ressurection. anyhow, i would recommend it for sci-fi/horror fans.

WundrLAN III

well, i'm here at the lan party, and once again for the 3rd time in a row all we've played is BF1942. I'm really getting sick of this game, the least we could do is move up to BFV. I mean that seems like a logical step to me.... It's nice to be playing with other people for a change but annoying that we sit and play the same game over and over.

Mom's New Computer

well, my mother finally got her own computer today. so now i don't have to share with her all the time :P.

in other news, we bought a new house yesterday and will be moving in around the end of september. that's all, not much going on. tomorrow is the LAN party so i'll make a post about that tomorrow night.

wtf!?! (Myspace)

2004-08-19

it erases my old blog entries?!? that's messed up, i think i'll go back to posting at my old blog....

EDIT: I am boycotting the myspace blogs, because of the old entry deletion, go to http://alanray.blogspot.com to see new entries from me.

Golf (Myspace)

2004-08-19

I've played 4 rounds of golf in the last 5 days, that's a lot of golf. I played 18 holes this morning and sucked on each and every hole, except for one par. I shot 124 total, but it was at Sky Mountain which is not my usual course.

No Sleep

2004-08-08

well here i am at 4:15 AM and not asleep, what a surprise. sort of strange though considering i woke up really early yesterday. I'm bored out of my mind. People who play WC3 on battlenet suck, they ruin the whole strategy element of the game by killing you in 5 minutes just to get the win. it takes all of the fun out of the game. ok now that i'm done talking about that, i'm done all together for now i suppose.

Moving Stuff

2004-08-08

This whole moving business is starting to get on my nerves, I just wish we could sell the damn house and move already. My grandparents sold their house and have to be out by the first week of september, which means that we need to sell our house fast so that we can get a new one. We found the perfect house yesterday but we can't make an offer on it because we don't have enough money. Today I had to wake up at 6:00 to go outside and chop down weeds in the yard to make it look nicer. Then I had to paint in the living room, hallway and down the stairs. This whole thing is starting to drive me insane. /rant

Doom III

2004-08-05

Doom III, the most highly anticipated game in recent years. Over-hyped? I'd say not. This game is amazing, and scary as hell.

In other news, my grandparents sold their half of the house so now we have to try and sell ours soon so that we can move. We're going to look at some houses today. Maybe when we live in St. George/Washington I'll get out of the house more often....then again maybe not. Nothing else new going on, still depressed and lonely, still in need of someone to love me.

aishiteru (Myspace)

2004-08-03

i need love

The Bourne Supremacy & The Village (Myspace)

2004-08-01

matt and i went to see both movies today, both were very good. that's pretty much all i have to say at the moment. oh and i'm going golfing in the morning for the first time since i broke my heel, so that will be fun.

Addicted (Myspace)

2004-07-28

i'm starting to think that i am addicted to myspace. i find myself constantly checking to see if i have new messages, even when i know i don't have any because i haven't received an email saying that i have a new message. i find myself writing in this damned blog far too often. perhaps this is because myspace is my only remaining connection to the outside world, or perhaps i am just a very disturbed person, or perhaps it's a bit of both.

Napoleon Dynamite (Myspace)

2004-07-27

Matt and I went to see this movie tonight, it was pretty damn cool. Except for all of the annoying people laughing at things that weren't funny and not laughing at things that were funny. That's all I have to say, oh except that Hagen Daas Cookie Dough Chip Ice Cream is the R0x0rz!!!

Gap Between Old Posts

You may notice a bit of a gap between the diaryland posts and the myspace posts, this is because myspace for some reason deleted a shitload of my older posts. In the words of Charlton Heston "Damn them, damn them all to hell!"

Slaying Dragons Is A Difficult Job But Someone's Gotta Do It (Myspace)

2004-07-27

just so you know, you all still suck for not talking to me or calling me. don't even try to use the excuse that you don't know my contact info......just in case.

AIM: Ash Peum Angelis
MSN: evilangelis13@hotmail.com
Yahoo: not_quite_wonderful
Email: alanray@infowest.com

now everyone, talk to me, now, or face the wrath of my mind bullets.

What Is It All For? (Diaryland)

2004-06-14 - 5:45 a.m.

Well then, it's been a good 2 weeks since my last entry. Things haven't gotten much better. Some days I feel okay and other I feel like shit. Robin has a new boyfriend now, which doesn't make life any easier on me. I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. Even if I do have a good job and all that, What is it all for? I find myself asking that question a lot lately. I just don't understand what life is about. During school it was easy, life was about growing up and getting a job and starting a life. Well now that I'm grown up and on the verge of starting a life for myself I just can't help but wonder why? Is it all about the loss and gain of money? There must be something more to life than that. I used to think that life was all about love, and if this is true then I have yet to live. For there isn't a soul that loves me and I doubt there will ever be one who can love me the way that I can love another. Anyhow, hopefully anyone reading this is having an easier time at things than I am.

Shit (Diaryland)

2004-05-29 - 5:22 p.m.

Well, life was going really well until this past wednesday. I broke my heel on my right foot and a toe on the left foot so I'm in a wheelchair/crutches, and lots of pain. I'll find out tomorrow wether I get to keep my job or not. Oh and Robin hasn't talked to me since wednesday, so that's 3 days. I don't know what's going on in her life, mostly because she doesn't tell me anything. Not that I blame her, I probably wouldn't trust me either if I were her. I don't know, everything just seemed to be going so well and now everything has gone to shit. It seems like I'm destined to lead a miserable life. I hope things are going better for anyone who is reading this.

Head Over Heels (Diaryland)

2004-05-15 - 8:49 p.m.

Well, I got a job at Sears, pretty awesome. It'll be my first real job, that I got on my own without any help from my mom or grandma. Things with Robin are still sort of strange. I want to be there for her as a friend, but she doesn't confide in me. I'm sure it's because she thinks that I can't handle being just a friend, but I think that I can do that for her. Afterall all I want is for her to be happy, and if that means that she has to be with someone besides me. Well, I guess I'm willing to make that sacrifice. It's pretty tough to be head over heels in love with someone and to be wondering if they feel the same way about you. Anyway, that's about it, just thought I'd give a quick update to the 0 people that actually read this crap.

Off My Chest (Diaryland)

2004-05-13 - 1:27 p.m.

Okay, today Robin told me that we're not back together, and that she just considers me a friend right now. Which is okay with me, but I want to be with her. I'm trying really hard to not let my feelings get the best of me, but it's difficult. Part of me wants to just be angry at her for dating elliott again, but the other part of me knows that it wouldn't do any good to be angry at her. It's out of my control what she does with her life. It's really difficult for me when she calls me hun, and tells me she loves me, but we're not together. I don't know what's going to happen, but I guess I'll just have to stick it out and find out what happens. I'll deal with it when it happens. I can't let my feelings overwhelm me like they used to, otherwise I won't be in control of my own life. That's all, I just needed to get that off of my chest.

Good Stuff (Diaryland)

2004-05-11 - 2:30 p.m.

Well, the greatest thing happened today. Robin and I got back together, so as you could imagine, I'm beaming with happiness. I'm really excited to be talking with her again, I missed her so much that it hurt. Applied for a job online at sears today, have an interview for that friday, so hopefully that goes well.

Not Much (Diaryland)

2004-05-09 - 11:42 p.m.

Well, not much going on. I've been doing some reading and stuff, and I'm feeling much better about life in general. Things are starting to look up. Still can't find a job though. Anyway, just thought i'd give a short update. Not much, tomorrow I'll post some more stuff, maybe a poem or two.

Strange Dreams (Diaryland)

2004-05-04 - 1:18 a.m.

Wow, I had some strange dreams last night. I don't remember the details very well, all I really know is that they were weird and they made me really tired when i woke up. Oh and in the last one I was married to Ashley, which is odd considering that I haven't dreamt about her in months. Well on the job front things are still pretty slow. I've got an interview with a pet grooming place called Groomingdales, one of the ladies I work with has connections there. So I may end up bathing dogs until I can find a better job, but hell it pays 7.00 per hour to start and I love pets so that would be kinda cool. I joined some new groups on tickle today, hopefully they'll be more active than the ones I was already in. Maybe i can meet some new friends. Well I've got an early Tee-Time so I should probably be getting off to bed. Good day.

Alone (Diaryland)

2004-04-27 - 11:42 p.m.

I wish that for even just a moment I could not feel. This feeling inside of me seems to grow the farther apart Robin and I become. Every single day seems to last forever because I am without her. Every moment filled with pain, every second regretting my choice yet knowing that it was the right thing to do. It's so difficult to be in love with someone, and know that they are in love with you, but not be with that person. I can only hope that she doesn't feel as bad as I do, because I did this for her. I've got this picture in my mind of she and I growing old together, spending eternity at eachothers sides. I know that picture will never come to pass, yet I keep it in my mind. I torture myself with thoughts of what might have been, and what was. In this last week I have come to hate myself, for every mistake I ever made with her, for every time I doubted her feelings towards me. I am the most selfish horrible person that I know, and there is nothing I can do to change that. So now all I can do is come to accept this, and live out my life. Alone.

A Relatively Good Day (Diaryland)

2004-04-23 - 11:08 p.m.

this last week has been the most difficult week for me. I still feel horrible about Robin most of the time, and I miss her to death. I did have a good day today though. Me and some of my friends went to the Mandarin Buffet and ate a bunch of food, the Sweet & Sour Chicken was awesome there. Afterwards we went to the mall and pretty much just loitered the whole time, we played some games in Tilt and followed people around to freak them out. Eventually we were asked to leave because Dustin felt the urge to expose himself in the middle of the mall....but it was pretty funny. Oh and AJ was wearing his Tuxedo the whole time. Tomorrow is Prom at the local High School so all of my friend are going to that, and I'd imagine that I'll sit at home and play FFXI and feel bad about myself. Well, I guess that's enough for now. I'll update again if anything exciting happens....Yeah right.

All Things Come To An End (Diaryland)

2004-04-18 - 10:09 p.m.

Today I did the most difficult thing that I've ever done in my life thusfar. I broke up with Robin. Not because things were going badly, things were actually going alright. I just realized that I could never be what she needs. She deserves someone who can hold her when she sad. Unfortunately I'm not that person. Deep down inside I always knew it wouldn't work, but I just had to tell myself that it would. Robin and I, we come from completely different worlds, and unfortunately neither of us will be leaving our respective worlds any time soon. It's been a very difficult day for me. I can't imagine how Robin feels, I feel horrible for breaking her heart like this, but it had to be done. Now I will attempt to "find my journey" instead of trying so hard to find someone to share it with.

Plans Change (Diaryland)

2004-04-13 - 10:53 p.m.

Well, here I am, back at it. Things obviously did not go as planned, and I am very glad that they didn't. A lot has happened in this last few days. I've had a lot of time to think about stuff, especially the 4 hours in the emergency room. The crisis councelor that I talked to was really cool, and he made an excellent point. I need to find my journey in life before I try to find someone to share my journey with. At the moment I have someone that I plan on sharing my journey with, but if that doesn't work out, well then it doesn't work out. The main thing that I have learned from this experience is that I shouldn't take everything so seriously. Oh and here's a little piece of advice for anyone who is reading this. DO NOT ATTEMPT SUICIDE, it is not fun and it is a really stupid thing to do. That being said, I look forward to updating.

NOTE TO SELF: Today is the 2 month anniversary of the day Robin and I met. Today is also the day that we decided to take a break from each other. Pay no attention to this, it's just to remind me of things when I read my own diary.

Last Entry (Diaryland)

2004-04-08 - 1:30 p.m.

if all goes according to plan this will be my last entry, if the plan fails i may decide to continue this diary. It has been nice to share my thoughts with whomever was willing to read them.

Confusion (Diaryland

2004-04-07 - 2:03 p.m.

Ok, now I'm just getting confused. I thought things were going really well with Robin and I, but then yesterday she tells me that she feels suffocated and needs some space. Yeah ok so I'm giving her space, and then she called me today and while we were talking her other phone rang. So she answered it and I could hear a guy on the other end and I thought "Oh it's probably her cousin." because they talk all the time and are pretty close, but then the way she was talking to him it seemed different. To top it off the last thing I heard her say to him was "Aahhh how sweet" and then "hang on a second" then she told me she'd call me back later, and didn't say I love you or even call me hunny which is what she normally does. I really hope that I'm just reading too much into this, if she is cheating on me after all of this I swear to christ I will just fucking kill myself. Ok now I'm gonna go beat the shit out of my punching bag to work out some aggression.

Getting Better (Diaryland)

2004-03-31 - 7:38 p.m.

ok, it's been a few days since my last entry. Things are going well, Robin forgave me, although I don't understand why. Things are better than ever between she and I. In other news, it's wednesday and BestBuy still hasn't called. I'm starting to think that I didn't get the job, but I haven't given up all hope. If I don't get the job with BestBuy I guess I'll have to find a job somewhere else or take a crappy job at the dixie center.

Time Travel (Diaryland)

2004-03-27 - 7:59 p.m.

ok, so things didn't turn out right, and once again it's my fault. All this time I've been telling myself that I'm not like other guys and then I go and make a stupid guy mistake and completely crush our relationship. I can honestly say that I really hate myself right now, and I also wish that time travel was possible.