Gender Roles

Sometimes I get so frustrated with traditional gender roles. As a man, I am expected to be the pursuer. I am expected to be aggressive. As a woman, you're expected to be cute, and timid, and it's all a bunch of lies. It seems as though we've been conditioned... brainwashed if you will, into believing that this is simply the natural order of things. That men must be the aggressor and women must be submissive.

Where does this leave those of us who don't fall within these traditional roles? I will never be the aggressive alpha male, it's just not who I am. I cannot lie about who I am. I can't lie about what I want from a partner. I need someone who is not afraid to step beyond the boundaries of these gender roles. Someone who can be the aggressor. For once, it would be nice to be pursued instead of always being the pursuer.

Why is it that a man who has sex with many women is revered by his peers, while a woman who has sex with many men is derided and labeled with nasty words. Isn't everyone entitled to fulfill their sexual desires in whatever way makes them happy? As long as they are not hurting anyone, how can there be anything inherently wrong with having multiple partners? I've never been with multiple partners in the same time frame, in fact, I've only had one partner period. And I don't know if multiple partners would be right for me, but for some it seems to be the only logical solution.

This seems to be an incoherent mess of thoughts, but I guess what I'm really trying to say is fairly simple. I hate the notion that gender defines our base traits, and that as a man I am expected to fit within those traits. So what if I don't fit in that 'manly' box? Does that make me any less worthy of companionship and love?

No words are necessary to explain this. This is America.

http://bostonreview.net/BR36.5/jeanne_mansfield_occupy_wall_street.php

The Facebook

I deleted my facebook account.

I can no longer tolerate the blatant disregard for basic privacy. I can't believe I ever did. It seems like every 6 months or so Mark Zuckerberg decides to introduce a new feature. This would outwardly seem like a good thing. Don't get me wrong, new features can be great, and many of these new features have turned out to be great. The problem I have is not with the features themselves, it's the way in which Zuck decides to implement them. On multiple occasions the introduction of a new feature has come with a massive breach of users privacy. I don't want to go on and on about all of the different things that have happened over the years, so instead I will provide you with a link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criticism_of_Facebook

I strongly suggest reading this page. Even do a google search about facebook privacy concerns. I'm not suggesting that you should all quit facebook, others have tried this approach and it never amounts to much. All I am suggesting is that you know what you're getting yourself in to. Be aware of the fact that facebook owns everything you post on their site and may use it in any way they see fit. Simply educate yourselves, then make an educated decision. If after investigating you decide that you can still use facebook and gain something of value, then by all means, continue to use facebook. As long as you are aware of what you are getting in to.

Life

So obviously it's been quite some time since I've posted. It's been a whirlwind the last six months. I had surgery on my knee in early September. Got a girlfriend around that same time. She moved in with me about a month later. We got married in January. If you had asked me at the time of my last post if I would be married in 6 months I would have said "no way." And yet here we are. I've never been more in love and it just seems to get better every day. My depression is pretty well handled now, I think the combination of the medication and love keep me pretty happy. I still have a bad day here or there, but who doesn't? I'm currently looking for a different job, but in today's economy it's going to be tough to find anything. Luckily we have the income that we do while I'm searching. Lili (my wife) had her wisdom teeth removed a couple of weeks ago, that was quite the adventure. That's about it, my life has been a complete 180 and I couldn't be happier about it. I don't know why it took me so long to post, I suppose I have just been too busy enjoying life. Perhaps I will update more often now, perhaps not.

I Wish I Could Hate You

I try to tell myself that I have changed. I try to change, I want you to be wrong. Nothing has changed. I'm the same depressed, useless person I have always been. I try, I try every day to be better, but I can't. I feel like I almost changed, but you left me unfinished, and now I'll never get that chance again. So thank you, for leaving me when I needed you the most. Thank you for abandoning me. I know that you only did what was best for you, but that doesn't mean that I can't be mad about it. I wish I could hate you.

Lateral Release

So I finally went to see the orthopedic surgeon this morning. Apparently my patella isn't tracking properly because of tight ligaments. So on the 10th of September I will be having surgery to fix the issue. It's going to put me into some serious debt, but it has to be done. I'm just glad that I finally know exactly what is wrong and that it's going to be fixed. After 8 years of ignoring it I would say that it's about time that I get it taken care of. So that is where I stand as far as that issue. Everything else is the same, I'm lonely and depressed. I'm hoping that after the surgery and recovery that I can get a normal job that will put me around people my age so that I can start making some friends.

New Endeavors

So, I have decided that with all of my free time I will strike out on a new endeavor. So, without further ado I introduce you to MovieGeek. Here I will be reviewing the majority of the movies I watch. If you know me at all you know that I watch a lot of movies, so there shouldn't be any shortage of content to post about. I will be posting reviews on all of the new movies I see as well as revisiting old favorites, or not so favorites. I hope you all will continue to read this personal blog and that those of you who give MovieGeek a shot will enjoy it.

Of Mice And Medical Bills

So I went to get an MRI on my knee yesterday, that was lots of fun. Laying completely still inside a giant machine that makes loud noises for about an hour. I guess my doctor will get the results today and I'll hear from him tomorrow hopefully. I'm really hoping that it's just a clear case and that there isn't any question what's wrong. I want to just have the surgery for whatever it is and be done with it as quickly as possible. I need to be able to go out and find a job so that I can help my Mom with the bills and such.

We apparently have a mouse problem in our house again. There are construction crews tearing up the field across the street from our house to build a school, so all of the mice are coming to our house apparently. One of them is hiding out in one of the burners on our stove, if you're quiet you can stand and watch it peak it's head out to look around. One of them got caught in a trap last night and my nieces came to get me to take care of it. I told them to look away because they wouldn't want to see it, but they insisted of course. So I showed it to them, it was a really bad one too, the trap almost decapitated the poor thing. I really wish there was a way to get them out of the house without killing them, I hate to kill animals. Insects I'm OK with killing, I hate those bastards, but animals I just don't feel right about killing them.

Knee Problems

I finally went to see the doctor about my knee yesterday. Something I should have taken care of a long time ago. He says that he thinks it's a torn meniscus, which is obviously not a good thing. So I have to go get an MRI on Monday, for which I will have to pay in the neighborhood of $700. If it does turn out to be the meniscus then I will have to have surgery to either repair it or take out the torn part. It all depends on where the tear is. If it's on the outer area they will be able to repair it, which is better in the long run. If it's on the inside they will have to basically cut a section of it out, which can cause problems down the road with arthritis and such things. I don't know how much this is all going to cost, but I would imagine it will easily be in the $5,000 range. I'm going to be in debt forever because of this, and I am completely miserable about it.

The X-Files: I Want To Believe

This post has been moved to my new movie review blog, MovieGeek

Compulsion

I write because I am compelled to write, not because I have anything in particular to write about. I wish I could write interesting fiction, my brain simply doesn't seem to come up with ideas fit for that sort of thing. So I am relegated to writing about the happenings within my own life, whether they be interesting or not.

I have had a couple of weeks here where the bad has outweighed the good. It was to be expected, that sort of thing always happens when I get my hopes up. I'm through the worst of it now I believe. I feel better today, despite the fact that physically I feel horrible. For some reason my body is just not happy today. I am all shaky and my muscles ache, I am sick to my stomach and have a headache. I can't possibly be getting sick, I've already been sick once this year.

I find myself, once again, unemployed. Mostly out of lack of effort. If I wanted to I'm sure I could go out and get a job fairly easily. It's simply a matter of defeating my own mind and forcing myself to do so. At this point I'm waiting on a job at the Community College library. My friend works there and it seems like a good job to occupy my time and make a little money. I should still be making just enough money from the 6 stores that we still count to pay the car payment. As soon as I do get another job I doubt I will want to do that anymore though.

Insert Whining Here

There's nothing to say that hasn't already been said before. *insert whining here* That is all.

Just Friends

It happened again. "Just Friends" Just like every other time I've fallen for someone. At least I didn't try to kiss her like I wanted to. That would have made things even worse. This always happens with the girls I meet, but not before I've managed to become desperately into them. Now I start the healing process all over again. Just wonderful.

It's Happening Again

It's happening again. I'm falling for this girl way too fast. Apparently it's just a part of my personality that this happens to me. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Sometimes I think she likes me, sometimes I think she doesn't. Sometimes I think she wants to just be friends, sometimes I think she wants to be more than friends. I'm just so confused, I suppose that's the way it's supposed to be with women though. I've never really had the issue before, of not knowing how they feel about me. I'm generally really good at determining how people feel about me, but with her it's just a mystery. I don't want to push it too hard for fear of screwing things up, but I don't want to play it cool too long for fear that she will find someone else. It's quite the conundrum.

Nice Guys Finish Last

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a nice guy. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be like the rest of them. I don't actually want to, but sometimes it would be nice. I wouldn't have people walking all over me all the time. I would have the chance to actually get the girl. Girls always say that they like nice guys, yet somehow they're always with the jerks. I'm sick of it. I guess the saying is true, nice guys finish last.

Aches And Pains

Things are not going well in my head. There are various problems, along with an overall feeling of dread. I'm sure the main catalyst is problems with the girl, what else would it be? I'm worried about what will happen. The last time a girl told me that she needed space and would talk to me when she was ready I waited around for four months only to find out that she never planned to speak to me again. I'm worried that the same thing will happen again. I really like this girl and I don't want it to end before it even had a chance to begin. Along with all of this emotional stuff is the physical problems. My knee problems that I have had for years seem to have come to fruition. It's always been just an ache that I could deal with most of the time, now it's much more than that. I can't bend my knee more than about 45 degrees without it hurting really badly. So, I'm going to have to see a doctor, and most likely I will end up having to have surgery. The problem with this is that I don't have insurance and I don't have the money to pay for something like this, that is why I never took care of it before now. Now I can't ignore it anymore, I can't do my job without severe physical pain. So, as always, a plethora of problems that nobody cares about. Life just gets better and better.

Nothing To Distract Me

Seeing my Grandma with a feeding tube is difficult. It's not like she's dying or anything, she just can't swallow her food right until they fix her throat. It's still scary to see her like this. It's going to be a difficult few weeks. The dogs are freaking out because they can't sit in the chair with her, we don't want them to yank the tube out by accident. Everything pretty much sucks today, I've been sitting around worrying about everything, nothing seems to be able to distract me.

Dogs, Girls, Work

So, here I sit again. Late into the night, unable to sleep. Wading through the ocean of thoughts that consume my mind. So much has been happening these last couple of weeks. We got a new dog, which is cool. He's a pretty mellow dog, which works well for our family. He's been sleeping in my room, which is different for me, but also cool. I met this great girl that I really like. She's interesting and funny and smart and beautiful. We'll just say that I'm cautiously optimistic. My oldest sister moved in with us, she's planning on taking over the business, which brings up a whole new set of problems. Our main client is dropping us, pretty much without warning, we just found out last week. So the business is basically shot, so there's not much for her to take over. This makes me especially upset because it means that in the near future I'm going to have to figure something out to make money. It also bothers me that this whole idea of owning a business was supposedly for "my future." Well if it was supposed to be for my future then why was I not consulted when my Mom and Grandma decided to buy this business. Then when I raised my concerns it changed from being about my future to being "something to do for a couple years until we figure something else out." Now the latest thing is "you need to go out and get a job." and "either go to school or start paying rent." Well it's kind of hard to go to school when I don't have any money to pay for it and god knows my parents never thought that far ahead. My Mom doesn't seem to understand that not everyone can just go out and get a job as easily as her. She's worked in the mortgage business her whole life, all she has to do is apply for a job and it's hers. It's a little harder when the only thing you can do is fix computers and don't have enough experience for anyone to hire you. Not to mention that fixing computers doesn't exactly pay the big bucks. With gas prices and everything else being so expensive $8/hr doesn't really cut it anymore. What I really want to do is own my own record store, I think that would be something that I could enjoy, but it takes money to start something like that. Seeing as the money that my Grandma spent on the business is never coming back I'm basically screwed. So pretty much life is the way it has always been for me, nothing is for sure, everything is up in the air. I imagine the coming months will be very frustrating and challenging, now all that's left is to see if I'm up for that challenge.

Unknown Future

I finally feel like I'm maybe through the worst of this, ready to move on. Strange that it would be something so simple being said to me that would cause such a quick change. Also strange that it came from my Mother. She said to me "She's not going to change her mind." That simple statement made me realize that I can't dwell on this forever. She was my best friend, I still miss her and care about her, I always will. She will have a lasting influence on me, which I am grateful for. So I am moving on, into the unknown future.

Waking Up

There's this feeling that I get just before I open my eyes. Right after I wake up but before I open my eyes. I never know where I will be when I open them. I always know where I want to be, but that never seems to be where I am. I've woken up in so many different places in just the last year, I'm never quite sure where I am before I see.