Gender Roles

Sometimes I get so frustrated with traditional gender roles. As a man, I am expected to be the pursuer. I am expected to be aggressive. As a woman, you're expected to be cute, and timid, and it's all a bunch of lies. It seems as though we've been conditioned... brainwashed if you will, into believing that this is simply the natural order of things. That men must be the aggressor and women must be submissive.

Where does this leave those of us who don't fall within these traditional roles? I will never be the aggressive alpha male, it's just not who I am. I cannot lie about who I am. I can't lie about what I want from a partner. I need someone who is not afraid to step beyond the boundaries of these gender roles. Someone who can be the aggressor. For once, it would be nice to be pursued instead of always being the pursuer.

Why is it that a man who has sex with many women is revered by his peers, while a woman who has sex with many men is derided and labeled with nasty words. Isn't everyone entitled to fulfill their sexual desires in whatever way makes them happy? As long as they are not hurting anyone, how can there be anything inherently wrong with having multiple partners? I've never been with multiple partners in the same time frame, in fact, I've only had one partner period. And I don't know if multiple partners would be right for me, but for some it seems to be the only logical solution.

This seems to be an incoherent mess of thoughts, but I guess what I'm really trying to say is fairly simple. I hate the notion that gender defines our base traits, and that as a man I am expected to fit within those traits. So what if I don't fit in that 'manly' box? Does that make me any less worthy of companionship and love?

No words are necessary to explain this. This is America.

http://bostonreview.net/BR36.5/jeanne_mansfield_occupy_wall_street.php

The Facebook

I deleted my facebook account.

I can no longer tolerate the blatant disregard for basic privacy. I can't believe I ever did. It seems like every 6 months or so Mark Zuckerberg decides to introduce a new feature. This would outwardly seem like a good thing. Don't get me wrong, new features can be great, and many of these new features have turned out to be great. The problem I have is not with the features themselves, it's the way in which Zuck decides to implement them. On multiple occasions the introduction of a new feature has come with a massive breach of users privacy. I don't want to go on and on about all of the different things that have happened over the years, so instead I will provide you with a link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criticism_of_Facebook

I strongly suggest reading this page. Even do a google search about facebook privacy concerns. I'm not suggesting that you should all quit facebook, others have tried this approach and it never amounts to much. All I am suggesting is that you know what you're getting yourself in to. Be aware of the fact that facebook owns everything you post on their site and may use it in any way they see fit. Simply educate yourselves, then make an educated decision. If after investigating you decide that you can still use facebook and gain something of value, then by all means, continue to use facebook. As long as you are aware of what you are getting in to.

Life

So obviously it's been quite some time since I've posted. It's been a whirlwind the last six months. I had surgery on my knee in early September. Got a girlfriend around that same time. She moved in with me about a month later. We got married in January. If you had asked me at the time of my last post if I would be married in 6 months I would have said "no way." And yet here we are. I've never been more in love and it just seems to get better every day. My depression is pretty well handled now, I think the combination of the medication and love keep me pretty happy. I still have a bad day here or there, but who doesn't? I'm currently looking for a different job, but in today's economy it's going to be tough to find anything. Luckily we have the income that we do while I'm searching. Lili (my wife) had her wisdom teeth removed a couple of weeks ago, that was quite the adventure. That's about it, my life has been a complete 180 and I couldn't be happier about it. I don't know why it took me so long to post, I suppose I have just been too busy enjoying life. Perhaps I will update more often now, perhaps not.

I Wish I Could Hate You

I try to tell myself that I have changed. I try to change, I want you to be wrong. Nothing has changed. I'm the same depressed, useless person I have always been. I try, I try every day to be better, but I can't. I feel like I almost changed, but you left me unfinished, and now I'll never get that chance again. So thank you, for leaving me when I needed you the most. Thank you for abandoning me. I know that you only did what was best for you, but that doesn't mean that I can't be mad about it. I wish I could hate you.

Lateral Release

So I finally went to see the orthopedic surgeon this morning. Apparently my patella isn't tracking properly because of tight ligaments. So on the 10th of September I will be having surgery to fix the issue. It's going to put me into some serious debt, but it has to be done. I'm just glad that I finally know exactly what is wrong and that it's going to be fixed. After 8 years of ignoring it I would say that it's about time that I get it taken care of. So that is where I stand as far as that issue. Everything else is the same, I'm lonely and depressed. I'm hoping that after the surgery and recovery that I can get a normal job that will put me around people my age so that I can start making some friends.

New Endeavors

So, I have decided that with all of my free time I will strike out on a new endeavor. So, without further ado I introduce you to MovieGeek. Here I will be reviewing the majority of the movies I watch. If you know me at all you know that I watch a lot of movies, so there shouldn't be any shortage of content to post about. I will be posting reviews on all of the new movies I see as well as revisiting old favorites, or not so favorites. I hope you all will continue to read this personal blog and that those of you who give MovieGeek a shot will enjoy it.

Of Mice And Medical Bills

So I went to get an MRI on my knee yesterday, that was lots of fun. Laying completely still inside a giant machine that makes loud noises for about an hour. I guess my doctor will get the results today and I'll hear from him tomorrow hopefully. I'm really hoping that it's just a clear case and that there isn't any question what's wrong. I want to just have the surgery for whatever it is and be done with it as quickly as possible. I need to be able to go out and find a job so that I can help my Mom with the bills and such.

We apparently have a mouse problem in our house again. There are construction crews tearing up the field across the street from our house to build a school, so all of the mice are coming to our house apparently. One of them is hiding out in one of the burners on our stove, if you're quiet you can stand and watch it peak it's head out to look around. One of them got caught in a trap last night and my nieces came to get me to take care of it. I told them to look away because they wouldn't want to see it, but they insisted of course. So I showed it to them, it was a really bad one too, the trap almost decapitated the poor thing. I really wish there was a way to get them out of the house without killing them, I hate to kill animals. Insects I'm OK with killing, I hate those bastards, but animals I just don't feel right about killing them.

Knee Problems

I finally went to see the doctor about my knee yesterday. Something I should have taken care of a long time ago. He says that he thinks it's a torn meniscus, which is obviously not a good thing. So I have to go get an MRI on Monday, for which I will have to pay in the neighborhood of $700. If it does turn out to be the meniscus then I will have to have surgery to either repair it or take out the torn part. It all depends on where the tear is. If it's on the outer area they will be able to repair it, which is better in the long run. If it's on the inside they will have to basically cut a section of it out, which can cause problems down the road with arthritis and such things. I don't know how much this is all going to cost, but I would imagine it will easily be in the $5,000 range. I'm going to be in debt forever because of this, and I am completely miserable about it.

The X-Files: I Want To Believe

This post has been moved to my new movie review blog, MovieGeek

Compulsion

I write because I am compelled to write, not because I have anything in particular to write about. I wish I could write interesting fiction, my brain simply doesn't seem to come up with ideas fit for that sort of thing. So I am relegated to writing about the happenings within my own life, whether they be interesting or not.

I have had a couple of weeks here where the bad has outweighed the good. It was to be expected, that sort of thing always happens when I get my hopes up. I'm through the worst of it now I believe. I feel better today, despite the fact that physically I feel horrible. For some reason my body is just not happy today. I am all shaky and my muscles ache, I am sick to my stomach and have a headache. I can't possibly be getting sick, I've already been sick once this year.

I find myself, once again, unemployed. Mostly out of lack of effort. If I wanted to I'm sure I could go out and get a job fairly easily. It's simply a matter of defeating my own mind and forcing myself to do so. At this point I'm waiting on a job at the Community College library. My friend works there and it seems like a good job to occupy my time and make a little money. I should still be making just enough money from the 6 stores that we still count to pay the car payment. As soon as I do get another job I doubt I will want to do that anymore though.

Insert Whining Here

There's nothing to say that hasn't already been said before. *insert whining here* That is all.

Just Friends

It happened again. "Just Friends" Just like every other time I've fallen for someone. At least I didn't try to kiss her like I wanted to. That would have made things even worse. This always happens with the girls I meet, but not before I've managed to become desperately into them. Now I start the healing process all over again. Just wonderful.

It's Happening Again

It's happening again. I'm falling for this girl way too fast. Apparently it's just a part of my personality that this happens to me. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Sometimes I think she likes me, sometimes I think she doesn't. Sometimes I think she wants to just be friends, sometimes I think she wants to be more than friends. I'm just so confused, I suppose that's the way it's supposed to be with women though. I've never really had the issue before, of not knowing how they feel about me. I'm generally really good at determining how people feel about me, but with her it's just a mystery. I don't want to push it too hard for fear of screwing things up, but I don't want to play it cool too long for fear that she will find someone else. It's quite the conundrum.

Nice Guys Finish Last

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a nice guy. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be like the rest of them. I don't actually want to, but sometimes it would be nice. I wouldn't have people walking all over me all the time. I would have the chance to actually get the girl. Girls always say that they like nice guys, yet somehow they're always with the jerks. I'm sick of it. I guess the saying is true, nice guys finish last.

Aches And Pains

Things are not going well in my head. There are various problems, along with an overall feeling of dread. I'm sure the main catalyst is problems with the girl, what else would it be? I'm worried about what will happen. The last time a girl told me that she needed space and would talk to me when she was ready I waited around for four months only to find out that she never planned to speak to me again. I'm worried that the same thing will happen again. I really like this girl and I don't want it to end before it even had a chance to begin. Along with all of this emotional stuff is the physical problems. My knee problems that I have had for years seem to have come to fruition. It's always been just an ache that I could deal with most of the time, now it's much more than that. I can't bend my knee more than about 45 degrees without it hurting really badly. So, I'm going to have to see a doctor, and most likely I will end up having to have surgery. The problem with this is that I don't have insurance and I don't have the money to pay for something like this, that is why I never took care of it before now. Now I can't ignore it anymore, I can't do my job without severe physical pain. So, as always, a plethora of problems that nobody cares about. Life just gets better and better.

Nothing To Distract Me

Seeing my Grandma with a feeding tube is difficult. It's not like she's dying or anything, she just can't swallow her food right until they fix her throat. It's still scary to see her like this. It's going to be a difficult few weeks. The dogs are freaking out because they can't sit in the chair with her, we don't want them to yank the tube out by accident. Everything pretty much sucks today, I've been sitting around worrying about everything, nothing seems to be able to distract me.

Dogs, Girls, Work

So, here I sit again. Late into the night, unable to sleep. Wading through the ocean of thoughts that consume my mind. So much has been happening these last couple of weeks. We got a new dog, which is cool. He's a pretty mellow dog, which works well for our family. He's been sleeping in my room, which is different for me, but also cool. I met this great girl that I really like. She's interesting and funny and smart and beautiful. We'll just say that I'm cautiously optimistic. My oldest sister moved in with us, she's planning on taking over the business, which brings up a whole new set of problems. Our main client is dropping us, pretty much without warning, we just found out last week. So the business is basically shot, so there's not much for her to take over. This makes me especially upset because it means that in the near future I'm going to have to figure something out to make money. It also bothers me that this whole idea of owning a business was supposedly for "my future." Well if it was supposed to be for my future then why was I not consulted when my Mom and Grandma decided to buy this business. Then when I raised my concerns it changed from being about my future to being "something to do for a couple years until we figure something else out." Now the latest thing is "you need to go out and get a job." and "either go to school or start paying rent." Well it's kind of hard to go to school when I don't have any money to pay for it and god knows my parents never thought that far ahead. My Mom doesn't seem to understand that not everyone can just go out and get a job as easily as her. She's worked in the mortgage business her whole life, all she has to do is apply for a job and it's hers. It's a little harder when the only thing you can do is fix computers and don't have enough experience for anyone to hire you. Not to mention that fixing computers doesn't exactly pay the big bucks. With gas prices and everything else being so expensive $8/hr doesn't really cut it anymore. What I really want to do is own my own record store, I think that would be something that I could enjoy, but it takes money to start something like that. Seeing as the money that my Grandma spent on the business is never coming back I'm basically screwed. So pretty much life is the way it has always been for me, nothing is for sure, everything is up in the air. I imagine the coming months will be very frustrating and challenging, now all that's left is to see if I'm up for that challenge.

Unknown Future

I finally feel like I'm maybe through the worst of this, ready to move on. Strange that it would be something so simple being said to me that would cause such a quick change. Also strange that it came from my Mother. She said to me "She's not going to change her mind." That simple statement made me realize that I can't dwell on this forever. She was my best friend, I still miss her and care about her, I always will. She will have a lasting influence on me, which I am grateful for. So I am moving on, into the unknown future.

Waking Up

There's this feeling that I get just before I open my eyes. Right after I wake up but before I open my eyes. I never know where I will be when I open them. I always know where I want to be, but that never seems to be where I am. I've woken up in so many different places in just the last year, I'm never quite sure where I am before I see.

Hometown Blues

Here I am, back in my hometown again. I used to love coming here, especially when I knew that it meant seeing you. Now it's almost worse being here than at home. When I'm here I know that you're only 10 minutes away but that I can't see you. When I'm here everything reminds me of you, even more than usual. I sit in this basement where we watched movies and myspace videos of cute animals. After I wake up my first reaction is to call you to see what you want to to do today. Whenever something happens you're the first person that I want to tell, but I can't. The first time I came down after you stopped talking to me my grandparents asked me about you, I almost died.

For You

I wrote this for you, when I read it to you I didn't tell you that it was about you. You told me that it was sad. You're the only one I've ever read my writing to. You're the only person who has ever shown interest in anything I've done. You used to read this blog, I'm certain that you don't anymore. I remember the first time you called me, you couldn't stop laughing. You were laughing about my post on virginity. I talked to you nearly every night after that. I knew that I loved you from the first time I heard your voice. After the first night that we hung out together I knew it even more. I know that you don't care, and that you wont be reading this, but I have to write it regardless. So here it is, a little piece of my soul that I wrote for you.

I feel you in my body,
invading every cell.
It hurts me to be with you,
it hurts me more to be away.
I want to tell you how I feel,
I want to tell you I Love You.
You have changed me in ways
that I can not describe.
I feel you.
Do you feel me?
I wish that I could be
everything you need.
I would rather be your friend
than nothing at all.
I wish that I could see you
every single day.
I know that you'll forget me
some day.

That's it, my shamefully bad writing for you, out there for everyone to criticize. You wont even know. I feel all this pain now, because of you. I'm not mad, I wouldn't trade it for the world. At least now there's something real to be in pain for. I love you, I don't care who knows it.

Afraid Of Myself

I feel as though the only thing keeping me alive anymore is that I don't want to hurt my family. If it weren't for them I don't think I would be here anymore. I feel like there's nothing, and I just want it to stop. I know that I'm never going to get better, I've been trying for half of my life to feel better. There's something wrong when you have to really try in order to be happy, and even when you try you just can't be. I can honestly remember being happy maybe once in the last five years, I mean really happy. The closest I ever come to happiness is simply OK, not thinking about anything for a few minutes. This is why I watch movies and play video games, they allow me to escape from my head. Life shouldn't be this way, it's just not right.

Going Through The Motions

Every day feels like dying. I can't get away from this pain. Is a lie still a lie if you believe what you're saying is true? I lied to you, when I said I didn't. But I didn't know I was lying. The fact of the matter is, I do. It hurts me more than even I can believe, you have no idea. I know that you don't even think about me, you have no reason to. I'm sure you are feeling better now that I'm gone. I feel like I might as well be dead. Without you, nothing seems to matter anymore. I'm just going through the motions, I don't think anyone can tell.

It's Not Only My Fault

I thought maybe that if I told myself that I am OK that I would be. It didn't work. I don't know who I thought I was kidding, I haven't been OK for a while now. I'm worse than I was before, as bad as I've ever been I think. I'm afraid to do anything with myself because I can't handle failing again. The whole reason I thought I would be able to go to college is because I thought I was going to have someone there to help me figure it out. Well that didn't work out and now I'm alone again. I just wanted a friend to be there with me, to help me when I needed it, but that was too much to ask. It really is bad now, and everyone seems to be able to ignore it just as well as they always have. My Mother keeps pushing me to go to school, it makes things easier for her if she can ignore the fact that I'm never going to be able to do anything with myself. I'm too depressed to do anything. I play video games and watch movies because it helps me forget for a short time how messed up I am. My parents want to believe that I'm just being lazy, but they know the truth, they just won't let themselves believe it. I already had abandonment issues because of my siblings leaving when I was so young. It's about a million times worse now. I don't want to blame it on you, because I know that it is in no small part my fault, but you can't say that you don't share the blame.

Wanting To Cry

I finally watched a movie that I've avoided for a while, Reign Over Me. I have avoided watching it because I thought it would make me too sad. It's the first movie that I've watched that has anything to do with 9/11. For some reason anything to do with that day just really affects me. It's strange because I didn't lose anyone close to me that day, for some reason it just gets to me. I think it's fairly normal. I thought for sure I would end up crying due to the movie, I didn't. The tears still won't come. I would like to cry, it's coming up on three months since I have. For some reason it just doesn't happen. It's not nice considering that I'm used to crying usually once a week or so. It's not because I'm not sad, I'm certainly as sad as always. There's definitely something wrong with not being able to cry. Of course there may also be something wrong with wanting to cry.

Forgetting You

So here I find myself again. 3AM and I can't sleep, I'm bored out of my mind even though I'm sure there are a million things I could be doing. Everything that has happened in the past month and a half seems like forever ago to me now. I wish it hadn't gone down the way that it did, but that's the past and I can't change that. I am OK without you, I didn't know if I would be, but I am. I wish that you hadn't given up on me, I know that I'm not perfect, but I didn't know that I was a lost cause. I want you to be happy, I guess if not having me in your life makes you happy then that is the way it has to be. It hurts me, deep inside, that you feel like you can't be my friend. It's amazing to me that there are so many things that remind me of you. I only knew you for a short time, yet everywhere I turn something brings you to my mind. What bothers me is that I have no tangible proof that I ever knew you, no pictures, nothing. All I have are my memories of the times we had together, and while I would like to think that I will never forget, I am afraid that some day I will.

Loss & Jewelry

I realized something today, I miss wearing jewelry. When I was a younger teenager I always wore a necklace and for a while a bracelet or two. I think the thing I miss most is wearing a ring. Strange that I would be thinking about this today, considering all of the other stuff going on in my head. I finally have closure, but I also have confirmation that my best friend no longer wants to know me. I will look back at the short time I knew her and remember the good times. She has helped me to realize that I can't just sit back and take what life throws at me, I have to make some decisions occasionally. Even if I am one of the most indecisive people ever. I can't help but be sad because I've lost something wonderful. I will miss her very much and she will always be in my thoughts.

Deja Vu

I haven't had Deja Vu for about a month now, which is strange for me because I usually have it almost daily. A friend of mine once told me that it happens when you are where you are supposed to be and doing what you are supposed to be doing. I like this theory, which scares me. This sudden lack of Deja Vu makes me feel as though I'm not on the right path. I'm not sure what I can do to figure this out, but I can't help but feel like it has something to do with the ugliness that occurred last month. Only a couple of people know what I'm talking about, even they don't know the details, but it leaves me feeling as though things just aren't right. I've thought about what I can do to make things better, but nothing I come up with seems right. I want so bad to make it all go away, but I just don't know how I can.

I Don't Know

There are so many things that I want to say, I just can't make the words come out. I go through it over and over in my head and I just can't think of the words for what I'm feeling. I quit my job, for many reasons, mostly because I couldn't be happy doing it. I'm going to apply to school and hopefully start in the summer semester so that I don't have too much time to sit around and think. My Mom talked me into going to a school closer to home so that I can still live here, at least for now. I think maybe after a couple of semesters I'll maybe want to move out. She doesn't understand the way I feel right now, she's in denial about it. I told her that I was depressed, it's obvious, and she continues to ignore it. She thinks that if she ignores it it will go away. She got all upset when I told her that I wasn't going to do the job anymore. Now pretty much every time I talk to her she tries to make me feel guilty, like I'm putting her out or something. Well I'm so sorry that my depression is so inconvenient for her. I realize that it's a selfish thing to say, but if I can't be happy then what is the point in anything for me.

The Bird In My Head

There's a bird that hangs out in the tree next to my window. Every morning around the same time it starts to squawk, it is quite possibly the most annoying bird ever. It's the the nice chirping type of bird, it's the evil squawking annoying sounding bird. Sometimes I can hear it chirping when I'm not even at home. So the healthy eating isn't going well, I'm too lazy to do the shopping that must be done, and there is already food here. I think if I lived away from home and was forced to feed myself it would be easier because I would be buying food anyway.

OK Or Depressed

It's hard to know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. I've had such weird emotions since as far back as I can remember. I don't know what the appropriate emotion is half the time. I generally think I have two basic emotions that I feel. I'm either OK, or I'm depressed. When I'm OK I just sort of coast along through life dealing with problems. When I'm depressed I pretty much shut down and can't handle anything. Unfortunately it would seem that I'm depressed more often than I'm OK these days. I had to come home from work today because I was freaking out and couldn't handle it, which is terrible because that means that my Mom has to do that much more work because I'm not there. I hate feeling this way, and I don't know how to make it stop. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm going to be OK I just can't seem to believe it. I haven't cried in over a month now, which is strange for me. I think because I know that if I start to cry I won't be able to stop. I lost my best friend to my stupid feelings, how am I supposed to feel? How am I expected to just get over it and move on? I'm left doubting myself more and more every day. If I can't even keep a friend how am I supposed to be happy? I'm such a whiny little kid, no wonder nobody likes me.

Filling The Void

I keep looking in the fridge, as though there's going to be something to fill the void inside me. I know for certain that what I need is not going to be found in any fridge. I had a bad day today, which was especially worse because I wasn't working so there was nothing to take my mind off of it. I pretty much just sat around all day feeling bad. Last night I watched August Rush, absolutely incredible. I can't remember the last time that I have enjoyed a PG movie so much. I'm on the last episode of Seinfeld for this rotation, now I need to figure out which series to watch next. It was X-Files before Seinfeld, and probably Buffy & Angel before that. I think I might be ready for That '70s Show again. I watch a few different TV series over and over again, I'm still adding new ones so that I don't watch the same 3 or 4 too often. I want to watch Everwood, but they've only released the first season on DVD which is very annoying since it ended almost 2 years ago now. Also I plan on adding Veronica Mars to the rotation, but I'm waiting for a collectors DVD set with more special features. If it doesn't come out soon I'm going to just have to buy the regular DVD sets.

Ricin

So there are FBI and Homeland Security agents outside my house right now. It's pretty crazy, they have the whole street closed off because they're searching the house a couple doors down from ours. Apparently some guy in Las Vegas was making Ricin in his hotel room and they somehow found it and traced him back to this house on my street. Pretty wild stuff. It's a good thing I don't have to go anywhere today, I wouldn't be able to get out if I wanted to. They told us to stay in the house as a precautionary measure.

News Article

Worries

I can honestly say that I am more than a little bit worried about going to school. I will have to move away from my parents house, I've never lived anywhere that wasn't with family. I won't know anyone, and considering my lack of social skills I probably will have a hard time making friends. Not to mention the actually school part, the last time I went to school I was 17 years old, and it didn't work out well. I think it would be easier if I had friends who were going to the same school as me. I've thought about going to SUU so that I could at least know a few people, but I don't want to get trapped in that world. I love Southern Utah, it will always be my home, but I just don't know if it's the right place for me right now. Eventually I would like to end up there, but I don't want to live my whole life there. Right now I'm mainly considering USU up in Logan, it's really the only school that I have looked at, but it seems to have a good Music program. I guess I should look into a couple of other schools. Of course this is all dependent on whether or not I can get the financial aid and get accepted to a school, which I am doubtful about. I hate not having anyone to help me with this stuff. This is why I didn't end up going to school when I was younger, I went to sign up for classes at DSC and was just overwhelmed and didn't know what I was supposed to do. I have to do something to move my life forward though, I can't live with my parents forever, and I definitely can't keep doing the job that I'm doing now.

Spaghetti And Movies

So I made my spaghetti. It turned out pretty good. I think next time I will get some sort of sauce that's more chunky to make up for the lack to meat in it. I don't want the meat, but there has to be something to fill it out a bit. The noodles were great, 100% Whole Grain, they smell awesome when you're cooking them. I just watched Hitman, it was alright. Better than most video game movies, and I liked the guy playing Agent 47, he did it well. All in all it was an enjoyable viewing experience. Last night I watched a movie called The Baxter. It was just some random movie I picked off of the OnDemand list, it turned out to be a great pick. I had never really seen Michelle Williams in anything because I never watched Dawson's Creek, she's actually a really good actress. I have to wake up early and drive for 2.5 hours to get to work, and then drive back after work, I'm definitely not looking forward to that.

Randomness

I think one of my favorite things to hear from someone is that they appreciate me. Just hearing someone say "I appreciate you." is really nice for some reason. I was thinking about something today that seemed very profound, now I can't recall what it was. Is it possible to trust someone too much? I know that it is if they are breaking that trust and you just keep trusting them. What I mean is is it possible to trust someone too much when they haven't done anything to lose your trust. I feel like it might be possible. I've found myself trusting particular people so much that I don't even question anything they say. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I'll think to myself "are they just playing games with my head?" Then I think, no way, they would never do that because they never even lie. I tried to make my Velveeta pasta stuff yesterday, it didn't work out so well. Apparently you have to mix the Velveeta with milk or something to make it work right. I guess I should have looked it up before I tried it, now I know. I'm thinking about making spaghetti today when I get home from the chiropractor, I'm not sure if I'll still feel like it when I get back though.

Ones And Fours

I've recently been noticing numbers more frequently. Mostly ones and fours. It seems like every hour without fail I look at the clock at 11 minutes past and 44 minutes past. I've started associating different people with different numbers, another habit I've picked up from a friend of mine. Matt is a four, Alanya is a 1, my dad is a 6, my mom is an 8. I'm not sure why I see numbers when I think of people, but it definitely happens.

Wristcutters

I'm quite excited about the movie I just watched. Wristcutters: A Love Story, it was very good. I think it helped that I didn't know anything about it going in, movies always seem better that way. I remember when Adaptation came out in the theaters and Matt and I went to see it. We actually just went to the theater to see what was playing and we saw that because we didn't know anything about it. It was pretty good. Anyway, I enjoyed this movie very much, the acting was great and the storyline was great. Very interesting stuff.

Fruit

I'm feeling better today. Hopefully it was just a one day thing. All I have eaten so far today is fruit. Banana, Raspberry, Orange, Grape. I was thinking I might make spaghetti today, maybe not.

Terrible

I feel terrible inside today. I feel like I want to hurt myself. My cousin got married today, good for him. I'm sure he'll be happy. In the words of Nick Drake
"I can't cope, all the defenses are gone. All the nerves are exposed."

Food Shopping

So I finally went shopping for some good food. Thanks to a friend's advice I made a good list and got everything that I went to get. It worked out pretty well. I'm trying to be more healthy in what I eat, and hopefully I'll start running soon. I want to be in better shape, mostly just so that I will feel better physically, I think it might help mentally as well. So I got some Organic Fat Free Milk, that's my favorite purchase so far, it tastes so good. I can't explain why, but for some reason it just tastes better than regular non-organic milk. I also got some Whole Grain pasta and sauces to make some spaghetti and such. Overall I think I did alright, I'm watching the stuff I eat more carefully now. I stopped drinking anything with High Fructose Corn Syrup in it. I was drinking PowerAde to get away from all the sugar stuff in soda, but I never even thought to look and see that it's just as bad. So I guess I'll have to find something else tasty to drink that doesn't have it. For now I'm just going with juice, it's good stuff.

The Village Inn

I don't know what else to say other than the fact that for some reason the Village Inn put me in a bad mood today. We went to eat dinner there and for some reason I got all depressed and upset when we walked in. Some sort of bad vibes or something just hit me when we walked in. I don't think I'll be eating there again, which will be hard considering that my grandparents want to go there every time we come down.

Maturity

I had a wonderful evening. I went out to Hurricane to Matt's house and just sat and had fun conversation with his parents and friends. It's the kind of thing I enjoy doing, a small gathering of people just enjoying each other's company. I think it was just the thing I needed. Through this I realized that I have actually matured since I was 18. I always say how I haven't changed, but when I really think about it there are a few things about me that have changed. Today was a pretty crappy day considering everything that happened, but I didn't let it get me down and I feel very good about myself because of that. I don't know if I've ever felt this way about myself before, it's a good feeling. If there's one thing I've learned in the past few months that is to enjoy the little things in life and try to not dwell on bad things. I really feel like something has been set in motion inside myself and that I am ready to move forward with my life instead of being afraid of it. For that I must thank my friend, she has made me realize many things about myself and has helped me to be a better person.

Spirits

So when I was driving down to Saint George today I was thinking about spirits and such. A memory popped into my head. When I was fairly young, maybe 10 or so, a relative of mine died. Aunt Bertha, I don't know if she was actually my aunt, I just know that's what I called her. I remember being in the room with her when she died. Just before it happened the window in the room burst open, her daughter said "It's dad, coming to get mom." I don't know why I remembered that, I guess because of my difficulties sleeping last night. I had a hard time falling asleep in the first place because I kept seeing things in my room. I was laying with my back to the door and I would hear the door open and someone walk in, but when I turned around the door was closed and nobody was there. Then I had a nightmare that scared me so bad that I couldn't fall back asleep. I do believe in spirits, I don't know why they are here, but I do believe that they are here. That being said, I think shows like Ghost Hunters are a bunch of bull.

Alone

So today has been one of those days where I feel like I couldn't be more alone if I was the last person on earth. I don't know why, it just happens sometimes. I can be with my family having a fine time, or I can be sitting in my room watching a movie. This feeling of being alone just overcomes me, it's the feeling that I'm most afraid of. My greatest fear in life is being alone, not in the sense of having physical alone time. I mean really being alone, with no one to care about me. I've felt this way for the majority of my life. I know my family loves me, but they just don't understand, and they don't want to understand. They like to pretend that there is nothing wrong with me, because if they acknowledged it that would make it real to them. So I'm left to deal with my stupid brain, alone.

I Did Something Stupid Today

When I was 18 I did what I consider to be one of the worst things someone can do. I attempted suicide. Now anyone who has talked to me much at all already knows this about me. I try not to bring it up because it generally makes people uncomfortable, but if asked about it I am always willing to tell the story. I have severe clinical depression, a well known fact about me among anyone who knows me. I've lived with it since about the 4th grade. Sometimes it's really bad, other times it's not so bad. When I was 18 it was really bad. I had dropped out of high school, I didn't have a job, I was in a severely stupid online relationship that I still try to forget. One day for no particular reason I was feeling really down and I finally decided that it was time to end all of my pain. I planned to take a whole bottle of my Dad's Oxycontin painkillers but his safe that he keeps his medication in was locked. So instead I took what I could find. I crushed up a whole bottle of my Mom's sleeping pills and drank them in a glass of water so that I wouldn't be able to throw the pills up. I wrote a letter to my parents telling them that I was sorry and that I loved them, and to give my computer to Matt. I woke up hours later very disappointed that I was alive. I was extremely hungry so I went upstairs to eat and I watched an episode of CSI with my Mom. I was in such a haze from the pills, I'm surprised my Mom didn't notice that something was wrong with me. After we finished watching the show I went back downstairs and realized what a stupid thing I had done. People who have never gone through this won't understand, they will say "well if you failed why didn't you just try again, nothing is better for you obviously." I can't explain what went on in my mind that day, but I realized that I didn't want to die. I took the empty bottle of pills upstairs and told my Mom what I had done. I said to her "I did something stupid today, I tried to kill myself." I don't remember the exact chain of events after that but I do remember being taken to the emergency room by my parents. I remember they wanted a urine sample and I couldn't pee. I remember talking to some sort of counselor. When they realized that I wasn't going to try again they decided it was OK for me to go home. Strange because I am now under the impression that anyone attempting suicide has a mandatory stay in a psychiatric facility, apparently not. I don't know why I felt the need to write this, I suppose just to get it out there in the open. I don't know if I've ever told anyone the full detailed story. I have no urge to ever try something like that again, it was most certainly the biggest mistake I have ever made and my biggest regret in life.

Is It Really So Simple?

Dogs bark, whispering to me. I wish I knew what they were saying. I wish I could hear their thoughts. It seems to be such a simple life, but is it really so simple? To sleep whenever you want to, to run as much as you want to and stop when you want to. To have your only worry be to get someone to scratch behind your ears or rub your belly. Who knows what thoughts dogs hide in their minds. Are they really as simple minded as we think they are?

Feelings Overwhelm

Feelings defy all logic I have found. It doesn't matter how much you want to change your feelings, you simply can't control them. My feelings overwhelm me regularly, I'm not sure if it's the same for everyone, but I often feel completely crippled by them. Sometimes this is a good thing, when I'm feeling love. Sometimes it's a bad thing, when I'm feeling sad. It doesn't matter how many times it happens, it's just as intense every time. It doesn't make a difference that I know what is happening when it happens. It doesn't matter that I know my feelings are most often illogical. For me, being overwhelmed by these feelings is the most purely simple state I can be in. My mind can be racing and yet the feelings remain the same.

Cheap Trick

I want you to want me, I need you to need me. Thanks Cheap Trick for explaining my feelings so accurately, I couldn't have said it better myself. All I want is for someone else to want me as much as I want them. I want someone to need me, nobody has ever needed me. I dream of epic love, the stuff of legend, perhaps this is why I am so disappointed by the real world.