Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Moving Stuff - AGAIN!!!

well today i was lucky enough to get to move all of my grandparents furniture out of their house. most of it went up to a storage shed but some of it came to our house, and now we're all living in this house, a 3 bedroom house with 6 people. it's insanely crowded around here.

on a side note, i want a gmail account just so i can be like everyone else! even though i probably wouldn't use it.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Moving Furniture

Ugh, today I had to move my parents huge bed into the basement, and tomorrow I have to move my grandparents bed and furniture over into our house. It's very exhausting and my knees are killing me. I can't wait until this is all over with. On the bright side of things, I played FFXI for 5 hours last night and gained 2 levels. not that any of you really care about that. I need to go up to weber and visit matt and cierra to get away from the family. I'm hoping I'll get to go up within the next couple of weeks, before we move into the new house anyway.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

myspace profile

stupid myspace made it so that the CSS in profiles has to use the names of colors instead of #AAA for example. so my profile got all messed up and i had to just set it back to the default. grrr, myspace has been making me angry lately.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

End Of An Era

Today is the end of an era for me, my best friend matt will be leaving for college tomorrow morning. Everything is changing so quickly, and I'm just staying the same. It's as though time is passing and I'm standing still. Things are just getting too weird for me, and this doesn't help any. I can't stop thinking about the past, and now one of the last people from my past is leaving. I just wish I could redo my teenage years, things would be much different.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

The Past

So i've been sitting here all day thinking about the past and the different choices i could have and should have made, while playing mario golf advance tour and tetris of course. I dunno, for some reason I can seem to get it off of my mind and it's driving me insane. Just thinking about the possibilites of what might have happened had I made even one different choice just blows my mind. Anyhow that's all for now, time to go back to tetris and mario golf.

Good Stuff

well, i went golfing this morning. didn't shoot a good round but it was fun nonetheless. The coolest thing happened today, I got to see my awesome friend Cierra, and we got to talk for the first time in over 2 years. It was super cool, we just sat and talked for about an hour. anyhow, i think i'll go back to watching seinfeld episodes and stop thinking so much about the past and how things could've been different if i had made some different choices, or made choices that i didn't end up making.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Alien Vs. Predator

well, matt and i went to see this movie today, it was interesting. not as good as any of the alien movies, except maybe ressurection. anyhow, i would recommend it for sci-fi/horror fans.

Saturday, August 21, 2004


well, i'm here at the lan party, and once again for the 3rd time in a row all we've played is BF1942. I'm really getting sick of this game, the least we could do is move up to BFV. I mean that seems like a logical step to me.... It's nice to be playing with other people for a change but annoying that we sit and play the same game over and over.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Mom's New Computer

well, my mother finally got her own computer today. so now i don't have to share with her all the time :P.

in other news, we bought a new house yesterday and will be moving in around the end of september. that's all, not much going on. tomorrow is the LAN party so i'll make a post about that tomorrow night.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

wtf!?! (Myspace)


it erases my old blog entries?!? that's messed up, i think i'll go back to posting at my old blog....

EDIT: I am boycotting the myspace blogs, because of the old entry deletion, go to http://alanray.blogspot.com to see new entries from me.

Golf (Myspace)


I've played 4 rounds of golf in the last 5 days, that's a lot of golf. I played 18 holes this morning and sucked on each and every hole, except for one par. I shot 124 total, but it was at Sky Mountain which is not my usual course.

No Sleep


well here i am at 4:15 AM and not asleep, what a surprise. sort of strange though considering i woke up really early yesterday. I'm bored out of my mind. People who play WC3 on battlenet suck, they ruin the whole strategy element of the game by killing you in 5 minutes just to get the win. it takes all of the fun out of the game. ok now that i'm done talking about that, i'm done all together for now i suppose.

Moving Stuff


This whole moving business is starting to get on my nerves, I just wish we could sell the damn house and move already. My grandparents sold their house and have to be out by the first week of september, which means that we need to sell our house fast so that we can get a new one. We found the perfect house yesterday but we can't make an offer on it because we don't have enough money. Today I had to wake up at 6:00 to go outside and chop down weeds in the yard to make it look nicer. Then I had to paint in the living room, hallway and down the stairs. This whole thing is starting to drive me insane. /rant

Doom III


Doom III, the most highly anticipated game in recent years. Over-hyped? I'd say not. This game is amazing, and scary as hell.

In other news, my grandparents sold their half of the house so now we have to try and sell ours soon so that we can move. We're going to look at some houses today. Maybe when we live in St. George/Washington I'll get out of the house more often....then again maybe not. Nothing else new going on, still depressed and lonely, still in need of someone to love me.

aishiteru (Myspace)


i need love

The Bourne Supremacy & The Village (Myspace)


matt and i went to see both movies today, both were very good. that's pretty much all i have to say at the moment. oh and i'm going golfing in the morning for the first time since i broke my heel, so that will be fun.

Addicted (Myspace)


i'm starting to think that i am addicted to myspace. i find myself constantly checking to see if i have new messages, even when i know i don't have any because i haven't received an email saying that i have a new message. i find myself writing in this damned blog far too often. perhaps this is because myspace is my only remaining connection to the outside world, or perhaps i am just a very disturbed person, or perhaps it's a bit of both.

Napoleon Dynamite (Myspace)


Matt and I went to see this movie tonight, it was pretty damn cool. Except for all of the annoying people laughing at things that weren't funny and not laughing at things that were funny. That's all I have to say, oh except that Hagen Daas Cookie Dough Chip Ice Cream is the R0x0rz!!!

Gap Between Old Posts

You may notice a bit of a gap between the diaryland posts and the myspace posts, this is because myspace for some reason deleted a shitload of my older posts. In the words of Charlton Heston "Damn them, damn them all to hell!"

Slaying Dragons Is A Difficult Job But Someone's Gotta Do It (Myspace)


just so you know, you all still suck for not talking to me or calling me. don't even try to use the excuse that you don't know my contact info......just in case.

AIM: Ash Peum Angelis
MSN: evilangelis13@hotmail.com
Yahoo: not_quite_wonderful
Email: alanray@infowest.com

now everyone, talk to me, now, or face the wrath of my mind bullets.

What Is It All For? (Diaryland)

2004-06-14 - 5:45 a.m.

Well then, it's been a good 2 weeks since my last entry. Things haven't gotten much better. Some days I feel okay and other I feel like shit. Robin has a new boyfriend now, which doesn't make life any easier on me. I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. Even if I do have a good job and all that, What is it all for? I find myself asking that question a lot lately. I just don't understand what life is about. During school it was easy, life was about growing up and getting a job and starting a life. Well now that I'm grown up and on the verge of starting a life for myself I just can't help but wonder why? Is it all about the loss and gain of money? There must be something more to life than that. I used to think that life was all about love, and if this is true then I have yet to live. For there isn't a soul that loves me and I doubt there will ever be one who can love me the way that I can love another. Anyhow, hopefully anyone reading this is having an easier time at things than I am.

Shit (Diaryland)

2004-05-29 - 5:22 p.m.

Well, life was going really well until this past wednesday. I broke my heel on my right foot and a toe on the left foot so I'm in a wheelchair/crutches, and lots of pain. I'll find out tomorrow wether I get to keep my job or not. Oh and Robin hasn't talked to me since wednesday, so that's 3 days. I don't know what's going on in her life, mostly because she doesn't tell me anything. Not that I blame her, I probably wouldn't trust me either if I were her. I don't know, everything just seemed to be going so well and now everything has gone to shit. It seems like I'm destined to lead a miserable life. I hope things are going better for anyone who is reading this.

Head Over Heels (Diaryland)

2004-05-15 - 8:49 p.m.

Well, I got a job at Sears, pretty awesome. It'll be my first real job, that I got on my own without any help from my mom or grandma. Things with Robin are still sort of strange. I want to be there for her as a friend, but she doesn't confide in me. I'm sure it's because she thinks that I can't handle being just a friend, but I think that I can do that for her. Afterall all I want is for her to be happy, and if that means that she has to be with someone besides me. Well, I guess I'm willing to make that sacrifice. It's pretty tough to be head over heels in love with someone and to be wondering if they feel the same way about you. Anyway, that's about it, just thought I'd give a quick update to the 0 people that actually read this crap.

Off My Chest (Diaryland)

2004-05-13 - 1:27 p.m.

Okay, today Robin told me that we're not back together, and that she just considers me a friend right now. Which is okay with me, but I want to be with her. I'm trying really hard to not let my feelings get the best of me, but it's difficult. Part of me wants to just be angry at her for dating elliott again, but the other part of me knows that it wouldn't do any good to be angry at her. It's out of my control what she does with her life. It's really difficult for me when she calls me hun, and tells me she loves me, but we're not together. I don't know what's going to happen, but I guess I'll just have to stick it out and find out what happens. I'll deal with it when it happens. I can't let my feelings overwhelm me like they used to, otherwise I won't be in control of my own life. That's all, I just needed to get that off of my chest.

Good Stuff (Diaryland)

2004-05-11 - 2:30 p.m.

Well, the greatest thing happened today. Robin and I got back together, so as you could imagine, I'm beaming with happiness. I'm really excited to be talking with her again, I missed her so much that it hurt. Applied for a job online at sears today, have an interview for that friday, so hopefully that goes well.

Not Much (Diaryland)

2004-05-09 - 11:42 p.m.

Well, not much going on. I've been doing some reading and stuff, and I'm feeling much better about life in general. Things are starting to look up. Still can't find a job though. Anyway, just thought i'd give a short update. Not much, tomorrow I'll post some more stuff, maybe a poem or two.

Strange Dreams (Diaryland)

2004-05-04 - 1:18 a.m.

Wow, I had some strange dreams last night. I don't remember the details very well, all I really know is that they were weird and they made me really tired when i woke up. Oh and in the last one I was married to Ashley, which is odd considering that I haven't dreamt about her in months. Well on the job front things are still pretty slow. I've got an interview with a pet grooming place called Groomingdales, one of the ladies I work with has connections there. So I may end up bathing dogs until I can find a better job, but hell it pays 7.00 per hour to start and I love pets so that would be kinda cool. I joined some new groups on tickle today, hopefully they'll be more active than the ones I was already in. Maybe i can meet some new friends. Well I've got an early Tee-Time so I should probably be getting off to bed. Good day.

Alone (Diaryland)

2004-04-27 - 11:42 p.m.

I wish that for even just a moment I could not feel. This feeling inside of me seems to grow the farther apart Robin and I become. Every single day seems to last forever because I am without her. Every moment filled with pain, every second regretting my choice yet knowing that it was the right thing to do. It's so difficult to be in love with someone, and know that they are in love with you, but not be with that person. I can only hope that she doesn't feel as bad as I do, because I did this for her. I've got this picture in my mind of she and I growing old together, spending eternity at eachothers sides. I know that picture will never come to pass, yet I keep it in my mind. I torture myself with thoughts of what might have been, and what was. In this last week I have come to hate myself, for every mistake I ever made with her, for every time I doubted her feelings towards me. I am the most selfish horrible person that I know, and there is nothing I can do to change that. So now all I can do is come to accept this, and live out my life. Alone.

A Relatively Good Day (Diaryland)

2004-04-23 - 11:08 p.m.

this last week has been the most difficult week for me. I still feel horrible about Robin most of the time, and I miss her to death. I did have a good day today though. Me and some of my friends went to the Mandarin Buffet and ate a bunch of food, the Sweet & Sour Chicken was awesome there. Afterwards we went to the mall and pretty much just loitered the whole time, we played some games in Tilt and followed people around to freak them out. Eventually we were asked to leave because Dustin felt the urge to expose himself in the middle of the mall....but it was pretty funny. Oh and AJ was wearing his Tuxedo the whole time. Tomorrow is Prom at the local High School so all of my friend are going to that, and I'd imagine that I'll sit at home and play FFXI and feel bad about myself. Well, I guess that's enough for now. I'll update again if anything exciting happens....Yeah right.

All Things Come To An End (Diaryland)

2004-04-18 - 10:09 p.m.

Today I did the most difficult thing that I've ever done in my life thusfar. I broke up with Robin. Not because things were going badly, things were actually going alright. I just realized that I could never be what she needs. She deserves someone who can hold her when she sad. Unfortunately I'm not that person. Deep down inside I always knew it wouldn't work, but I just had to tell myself that it would. Robin and I, we come from completely different worlds, and unfortunately neither of us will be leaving our respective worlds any time soon. It's been a very difficult day for me. I can't imagine how Robin feels, I feel horrible for breaking her heart like this, but it had to be done. Now I will attempt to "find my journey" instead of trying so hard to find someone to share it with.

Plans Change (Diaryland)

2004-04-13 - 10:53 p.m.

Well, here I am, back at it. Things obviously did not go as planned, and I am very glad that they didn't. A lot has happened in this last few days. I've had a lot of time to think about stuff, especially the 4 hours in the emergency room. The crisis councelor that I talked to was really cool, and he made an excellent point. I need to find my journey in life before I try to find someone to share my journey with. At the moment I have someone that I plan on sharing my journey with, but if that doesn't work out, well then it doesn't work out. The main thing that I have learned from this experience is that I shouldn't take everything so seriously. Oh and here's a little piece of advice for anyone who is reading this. DO NOT ATTEMPT SUICIDE, it is not fun and it is a really stupid thing to do. That being said, I look forward to updating.

NOTE TO SELF: Today is the 2 month anniversary of the day Robin and I met. Today is also the day that we decided to take a break from each other. Pay no attention to this, it's just to remind me of things when I read my own diary.

Last Entry (Diaryland)

2004-04-08 - 1:30 p.m.

if all goes according to plan this will be my last entry, if the plan fails i may decide to continue this diary. It has been nice to share my thoughts with whomever was willing to read them.

Confusion (Diaryland

2004-04-07 - 2:03 p.m.

Ok, now I'm just getting confused. I thought things were going really well with Robin and I, but then yesterday she tells me that she feels suffocated and needs some space. Yeah ok so I'm giving her space, and then she called me today and while we were talking her other phone rang. So she answered it and I could hear a guy on the other end and I thought "Oh it's probably her cousin." because they talk all the time and are pretty close, but then the way she was talking to him it seemed different. To top it off the last thing I heard her say to him was "Aahhh how sweet" and then "hang on a second" then she told me she'd call me back later, and didn't say I love you or even call me hunny which is what she normally does. I really hope that I'm just reading too much into this, if she is cheating on me after all of this I swear to christ I will just fucking kill myself. Ok now I'm gonna go beat the shit out of my punching bag to work out some aggression.

Getting Better (Diaryland)

2004-03-31 - 7:38 p.m.

ok, it's been a few days since my last entry. Things are going well, Robin forgave me, although I don't understand why. Things are better than ever between she and I. In other news, it's wednesday and BestBuy still hasn't called. I'm starting to think that I didn't get the job, but I haven't given up all hope. If I don't get the job with BestBuy I guess I'll have to find a job somewhere else or take a crappy job at the dixie center.

Time Travel (Diaryland)

2004-03-27 - 7:59 p.m.

ok, so things didn't turn out right, and once again it's my fault. All this time I've been telling myself that I'm not like other guys and then I go and make a stupid guy mistake and completely crush our relationship. I can honestly say that I really hate myself right now, and I also wish that time travel was possible.

Considerably Better (Diaryland)

2004-03-23 - 10:20 p.m.

well, things are going considerably better than when i did my last entry. although robin and i are not technically boyfriend and girlfriend we still act like it (even though she has a real boyfriend), so now i get all of the perks of being boyfriend, and for the most part none of the downsides. I have a job interview at the new Best Buy tomorrow, so hopefully that goes well. Things are looking up.

Things Gone Awry (Diaryland)

2004-03-21 - 6:39 p.m.

well, things have gone awry for me yet again. It turns out that this girl that I've fallen in love with has had a boyfriend all along, and she didn't mean to fall in love with me but she did. So now I'm just the backup boyfriend for when things go wrong with this guy. I punched a hole in the wall and messed up my arm pretty bad, that was pretty stupid of me, but as Buffy once said "Love makes people do the wacky." and now I know what she meant. I gave her a claddagh ring this weekend, I think that's what finally made her break apart and tell me about him. I love her so much that I'm willing to wait as long as it takes to be with her. I love her so much that it hurts. I've got nothing else to say at the moment.

Happiness Abound

2004-03-17 - 2:07 a.m.

wow, lots of stuff going on since I made my last entry. Things are going great with Robin, she's going to come here all the way from connecticut just to spend a week with me. After Ashley I never thought I'd be in love again, but with Robin it's definitely love. There's no other explination for the way I feel about her. I got her a claddagh ring, which is basically and Irish Promise Ring, there's a great story behind it, but anyway she really loves it and me. I can't believe how happy I am, and when she says "I love you" I just get even more happy. I finally got my hair cut, which made robin happy, so that I can get a better job. I really want to save up some money so that I can do some college and hopefully be able to marry someday soon. If I had the means I would ask Robin to marry me right now, but unfortunately I don't have the money to support her. I've been really pounding the pavement looking for a job, and hopefully with the short-haired clean-shaven look I'm sporting it won't be too hard to get a good job. Well that's enough for now, I need some sleep.

Changes (Diaryland)

2004-03-06 - 5:56 p.m.

A lot has changed since my last entry. I'm much happier in general. I think that Robin is a big part of that, she makes me feel good about myself, and makes me want to improve myself. It feels good to be in love again, and to be loved is like nothing I've ever felt before. I guess Ashley loved me, she told me she did, but this is a completely different kind of feeling. My mom got a new CD player for her van so I had fun installing that for her. Other than that not much has been going on. Still looking for a job but hopefully something will turn up soon. I need to save up some money for the Coachella Festival in may. My friend Matt and I are going to go on a road trip to go see that, it should be fun. Tons of cool bands and stuff. That's about it for now, I'll try to update more often if anything new developes.

Turn For The Better (Diaryland)

2004-02-24 - 3:11 p.m.

Things have taken a turn for the better these last couple of weeks. I met a girl while playing bingo on pogo.com and we really hit it off so we've been talking a lot and calling eachother. It's really nice to have someone to talk to that actually cares about what I'm saying. I've been pretty busy with work this week too so that's good, now I just need to start exercising and then maybe I can get my life back on some sort of twisted track.

Anyway I just thought I'd write a short update on what's been going on, it's amazing that things are going this well. For the first time in a long time I actually feel good about the way my life is working.

02-20-04 (Diaryland)

2004-02-20 - 10:33 p.m.

I had another panic attack at work today, it's been over a year since the last time I've felt that way. Just being around all of the people scared the shit out of me, what scares me the most is how directionless my life is. I have no idea where I'm going in life, I just want to feel okay about something for once instead of worrying all of the time. I should be graduating highschool this year, but instead I'm just sitting at home, lost in my own mind. What really scares me about the way I am is that I'll never be able to find someone to love me, I can barely leave the house let alone go to social events. I really don't know what's going on right now, life is just so fucked up.

Surprise (Diaryland)

2004-02-19 - 12:18 a.m.

Ok so I just found out something strange, this girl that I was attracted to back in 10th grade is pregnant. She is in 11th grade this year and she had to quit school because of it. It's really weird to think about what would have happened if things had worked out between she and I, luckily she has a good boyfriend that takes care of her and loves her. Ok so other than that nothing has been going on, I've just been sitting around like always. I'm really looking forward to this saturday though, I'm going to a LAN Party so that should be cool. Just sit around playing computer games all day and night :) pretty much like I do when I'm at home. Other than that I'm gonna start job hunting soon, now that I'm 18 I need to help my parents out with the finances, so it should be interesting to see how this works out.

Boring (Diaryland)

2004-02-16 - 11:06 p.m.

hmmmmm, not much has happened since my last entry. I decided it would be better if I don't call Ashley, at least for right now because I'm sort of vulnerable and tend to read too much into things. Hopefully this week I'll be able to get out and start job hunting, I need to get a good job so that I can help my parents out with the bills. There's a new video rental place opening soon, so that might be cool. I don't know what else to say, not that many people read this or anything. Hopefully my next entry will be more exciting or something.

DOH!! (Diaryland)

2004-02-14 - 3:53 a.m.

Hmmmmm, these last couple of days haven't been too bad. I watched my season 3 dvds of Angel, rented a shitload of movies and watched them. I would highly recommend Cabin Fever if you're looking for a good thriller. I would also recommend Underworld if you just want some good action as well as a great storyline (though the ending sucks ass). Anyway enough about movies, well no more about movies. My buddy Matt and I went and saw 'Monster' last night, it was an odd movie. I think the big adventure was borrowing my grandparents car, I've never driven a manual shift before so that was fun to teach myself. Now I just have to avoid being depressed on saturday, which is actually today now, it's very early in the morning and I still haven't gone to sleep. I'm pretty pissed off to have discovered that TheWB has cancelled my favorite show (Angel). At least they are letting them finish out the season and giving them an opportunity to end it in a good way (if that's even possible now). On a different note, Ashley has been trying to get into contact with me the past few days, I'm always AFK when she messages me though (DOH!!) so I think I'll just call her. Wether this is a good thing or a bad thing I do not know, with her it is difficult to tell, pretty much everything to do with her gets me down. Well that's enough for tonight, time to watch the commentaries on season 3 angel dvds. Have fun kids.

Valentine Blues (Diaryland)

2004-02-10 - 4:42 p.m.

It's getting to be that time of year again, valentines day is just around the corner, by that I mean that it's this saturday. This is my 3rd valentines day in a row spent alone. I remember the one before that very vividly though, Ashley and I were still together and we had a school dance that day. After the dance we ended up walking together to the city offices with a couple of her friends, it started to snow so I gave her my sweater and wrapped my arms around her as we walked. When we go there I sat in a chair in the lobby while she and her friends went to look for her friends mom. I remember just looking at her through the glass doors, thinking back about how I felt I think it was when I really realized that I was in love with her, that's the last time I can really remember being happy. On a more happy note, the 3rd season DVDs of Angel came out today so that will give me something to do for a couple of days. In closing for today, valentines day sucks when you are alone like I am. All of you who have someone, keep them close to you and don't let them slip away like I did. To the others of you who are alone like me, all we can do is wait, hopefully that special someone will come along someday.

First Time (Diaryland)

2004-02-10 - 3:37 a.m.

Wow, I never thought I'd be writing a blog type thing that nobody will ever read. Yet here I find myself writing gibberish. Lets see what's going on in my life right now? Well I turned 18 last monday. I guess it's pretty cool, being a legal adult and all, but there are some downsides. Whenever I go to see my psychiatrist or anywhere else that paperwork has to be filled out I have to do it myself now, before my parents could just sign for me but not anymore. Other than that I guess being 18 is ok, I don't really feel any different. I'm still single, almost 3 years now since my last girlfriend. That didn't really end well and it has taken me a lot of time to deal with it and I think I'm still dealing with it to this day. I'm a very open and emotional type guy, and it's not easy to be that way sometimes. I like to watch those sappy chick-flick movies that other guys hate, I get made fun of for that sometimes but I couldn't care less what people think of me. Well I guess that's enough for right now, hopefully I'll remember to update this as often as I can.

Old Posts

I shall be adding a bunch of old blog posts from previous blogs before I begin adding new posts.